Settle

Take that moment,
Quieten up.
Now lose yourself
In that chaos.

Safe

Safe, is what you kept us when you were around
Safe is what you always wanted us to be
And you did everything you could to ensure we were.
But we didn't think for once that you weren't
Safe.
That an unchecked heart could take you away from us.
And I think about it,
Maybe not everyday,
But some days in very special ways.
And I wonder if we're safe.
I try so hard, to do what you did,
To be who you were,
To the people you loved,
To the people you kept close.
But you've left behind big shoes to fill.
And I can only pray to be half as much
As you were.
I wish they knew you, they; the people I love today.
I wish they saw the great man who did all he could to keep me
Safe. Sound.
I wish I saw you for the rest of my life.
I wish you were alive today. To see me.
But we weren't careful. We took you for granted.
We didn't exchange our "I love you's" in time.
And now I wonder if you can read this from wherever are.
I thought we were all safe and that we could say these things in our own time and space.
But now there's an empty space, an empty chair, a missing piece of me.
And I'm doing my best to keep safe;
Your family, your home, your name, your dreams.
And I hope I'm half as good. Half as enough.
But I've come to realise
That maybe I wouldn't be where I am today
I'd be counting on you too much.
And here you are, counting on me.
And I don't wana let you down.
Wherever you are. I hope you know.
I'm safe. I'm keeping them safe.
I hope you're proud.

Half way home

You're almost there,
You're half way home,
You're tired, weary and a little afraid
And scared to admit it.
Will home be as welcoming as it used to be?
Is home even where it used to be?
You're hesitant, wondering if home even wants you back.
Do you want to go back?
You set out on this journey because being away so long has left you feeling incomplete.
But suddenly you wonder what if home was complete without you?
What if home doesn't need you?
And you grow more tiresome with all these thoughts.
Your bags are weighing you down,
So you stop and take a moment
To gain stock of everything.
You sit by the road and you're half way there.
And you wonder if you should take a step further or run away yet again.
And right there, you split up just like your thoughts.
Your heart races back home but your fears tug onto the rope that you've tied around yourself and attached to your hide out.
What should you do? Why must it be so difficult?
If only you never left home in the 1st place!
You'd never have been sitting here.
If only it were that easy!
The thought of home scares you and yet you know how fulfilling it can be.
It would mean accepting everything you've rejected,
Returning to what you left behind,
Acknowledging everything you wanted to ignore.
But mostly belonging somewhere.
The thought of never returning home is tempting.
It was the past that drove you away.
Only, there's a reason you set out on this journey, right now, right here.
There's a reason you're on this path today.
We move constantly from where we don't like to be.
Maybe returning home is scary but you've taken fifty steps, what are fifty more?
You look at the path you've walked so far
And you know what going back would mean.
Slowly, solemnly, you pick up your bags and walk.
Smile, you're more than half way home.

Slip

I slip sometimes
Maybe I let myself slip.
I bring my walls down, get out of my comfort zone,
often with my heart on the line and I get hurt.
And what is it about this pain that keeps me coming back for more?
Why do I return to it again and again, knowing all the damage it does to me
What is this nameless thrill?
My principles, my theories, my beliefs in love life and light,
They slip once in a while, maybe I let them.
And for this while, I'm open to your beliefs, your love, your principles,
And I accept them like a blank book waiting to be filled.

And then you go ahead and tear these pages.
And I'm back to square one, back to my nameless state of being.

One last time, I let myself slip, knowing that i was taking a risk.
But with hope that this time you could be the one to change my whole world of Love
That you could bring these walls down and keep them that way
This time I gave it all, got rid of these walls and you even swept the dust with me.
You took my hand and you took my heart and God damn it, you took all my love!
You spun my world around and you gave me reason to believe that I was wrong all this while.

That my theories could be proven wrong and there could be something as pure as what you showed me.
That there could exist something as bright as the way you shone and that darkness was so damn temporary.

And then you did what I feared the most.
You left.

Now I just don't know anymore.

Change Fearing

I never feared change the way I fear it now
I never feared change until I met you
For I know you now and I wouldn't have you any other way
And God Forbid, you change, I fear change like never before.
Did you think for once that you could bring me to fear something
When all I ever was, was God-fearing.
But here I am, fearing you, fearing what you can be
To me, 

here and now, is all I want to see.
But you're hinting at a future
That I'm not sure I'm a part of.
Would you blame me then for fearing change?
I don't want to lose you.
But I'm sure you've heard this from more than just me
But how much does it mean to you?
Does it mean as much to you as it does to me?
Will change matter to you?
Calm my fears, assure me if you can;
That you're more faithful than my fears,
That you will always be near 

If not right here.

What matters

I wanna write about you
I wana talk about you
But my words fall short
And here I am writing anyway just cause I need to...
Praying that I can put you down in words
But I can't and yet I can't stop writing
Because I'm trying so hard to tell them
To tell them what we are and what you are;
To me.

But the words don't come and I wish they did
You won't say it and I wish you did.
I can't explain it and I wish I did.
What are they even reading this for, do they care?
Do you care?
I wana tell the world what you mean to me!
But how can I when I haven't told you?
I want them to know what this feels like
But what's the use, what can they do;
To us.

How does it matter to them? Does it matter to you?
That I'm here so in love with you.
That I need to write you down
For people to look you up.
For them to know, how wonderful you are!
For them to see how beautiful you are!
And if they saw your heart how they would fall in love with you!
And how I'd stand in the way!
For they will hurt you, of that I'm sure.
But you will want them more and more.
And if only you knew how safe you'd be
Within my arms, or just by me.

I'd fight them all, though you'd rather do it yourself.
And they will fall, tumble, crawl, lay lifelessly.
For you mean the world to me.
And they still don't understand what they're reading right here.
But you don't either.
Would it matter? If you did or you didn't?
Would we matter if we are or if we aren't?
For they don't know you, they don't know me,
They don't know us and why I make this fuss
But to you, me; and to me, you;
We matter.
And it's okay if they don't see,
It's okay if they can't comprehend.
But you must know, you mean much to me.
But then again can we ever be,
More than these written words?
Can we be more than just what they see?

Midnight madness

Come midnight and I'm missing you
Wishing you were here with me
And all I want is to be by your side and you by me
Maybe we can stay quiet, maybe I can hold you
Maybe I might kiss you, just maybe.
But baby,
Don't be away too long
Come back to me, come back to bed
Let me share the place you rest your head
The sheets lie empty, the covers lay still
Still, I long for your hand in mine.
Intertwined
Both of us, being us and not one apart
Lay by me, give me your heart.
And when my lips touch yours, hold me close,
For I may shiver at the thought.
For it overwhelms me that you find me worthy
To kiss your hands, your eyes, your lips
And maybe your soul.
But baby, just maybe, you will come home to me
And let me be yours, while you be mine
While I hold your hand and under the sheets we intertwine.

Almost

Almost, the saddest word I've known
It's not there yet and but it has begun its journey
And there's so much hope and yet no surety.

There's so much of eagerness and yet no motivation

There's almost a chance that you will....

Almost

You're almost complete
You're almost there
You almost did it
You almost said it
You almost achieved it
But the saddest of them all;
You almost said 'I love you'

But you didn't, you almost did;

and that makes me sad.

I can only imagine how miserable you must feel...

Almost

The wind in my hair

You're like the wind in my hair
I long for you and let my hair down
And you sweep on by
First so shy,
And then like a storm
And I close my eyes as you caress my face
And you pass by and travel beyond.

I'm left alone again
Waiting for your return
And what have you left behind for me?
A hand full of knots and bare trees
And just when I'm tired of breaking through these tangles
I tire and tie my hair back up
Promising myself to take care
But there you come again this time faster, and with so much of life.

And my eyes close once again 

And without my doing my hands stretch out 

And you could blow me away if you wanted to 

But right now you make me feel like flying
And I can hear you whisper in the wind, "let go"
And I'm fighting the urge to
Because I keep letting go and all you do is leave me 

with more knots to entangle.
"Let go" you whisper, again
"Why should I", I'm tearing up now
"Because I love you and I won't ever let you go"
Feeble and hungry. 

For love and certainty, I let myself go, 

now lifted by the wind, a part of this force.

I'm unstoppable, I'm fearful, I'm above the dread of the earth
And out of nowhere I can feel it creep through
After ages, this one's for you, I smile.
But I know this will only last a while.
And my distrust in you brings me down
And now I'm back to the ground.
Now as you go on your way,
I'm left again tangled and astray
And yet I turn around to see, wondering when you will come back to me
Cause no matter the mess you make of me
'The wind in my hair' you will always be.

One more night

One more night
I wait
And the moon shines on just like it did yesterday.
But not like it did some days ago.
One more night, I wait
Hopefully, quietly
For you
Don't care much for me.
But one more night won't even be relevant.
Especially if I've waited a lifetime.
But for one more night and counting
There's fear and there are thoughts taunting
And it's haunting
To think what one more night can do
Not just to me and you
But to equation of love around the world
One more night and one more love
Received, given or not accounted for at all.
One more night
And I don't care
Much for the pain.
But this I can't let go in vain.
In one night alot can leave, but one more night and I'm not sure if I will breathe
Life into love or love into life.
What's got me enduring this strife!
You must have done something right
And we can't just give up because of one
Fight
Please, just give it
One more night.

Surfacing Demons

You bring out a part of me I never knew existed.
You bring out the demons and
damn! I feel like I missed it!
This angel has been good too long...
And the good in me is extinguishing fast.
The reason to be good is now long gone,
And I'm hoping the bad in me surfaces fast.

Demons, I wish you knew,
How long I've been waiting for you.
This good girls out the door
To be seen no more.
Find her wherever you may!
But I hope she doesn't see the light of day.
For now rules a woman scorned, she's captured this body.
And possesses this soul!

And how you wish you knew her before!
How you wish you knew the good in her.
For if this is her bad
Just imagine, just imagine how passionate her good was!
Just imagine what you've missed
Just imagine what she could have made you feel with just one kiss...

That killing thing

I give you the rifle, packed with bullets
And I stand across from you as a target
Oh the thrill of knowing you'd never shoot.
I give you a knife and I hold you tight
The joy I find in knowing you'd never stab.
I've given you a dose of poison
And I pass you my drink
What serenity to sip out of it and quench more than my thirst
I'm quenching my ego, I'm feeding my pride
I give you the weapons, I give you the power
And you're making a decision every hour.
There's only one person who will be hurt by the end of this.
And no amount of morphine will numb it.
I'm crazy, I'm losing it, I'm giving it up
All to you, do what you have to.

Lukewarm

I can only take so much of something lukewarm.
There's hot and there's cold and I can take both of them in my stride,
But one at a time.
But lukewarm is weak.
You're too afraid of getting burned,
You're to afraid to freeze,
Lukewarm cannot be me...
I can't stand in the center when I know which side I wanna be on.
And when I don't, I'll choose one anyway,
I'll risk it, for me.
But now you're hot and you're cold and you've pushed me into lukewarm territories.
And I wish I knew where to go.
I could probably walk out the door.
But more than I already am, it will throw me deeper into the floor.
I've done this before.
"Never again" did I say.
But life never listens. He's put me in the same spot.
Wishing my insecurities were never caught.
Wishing my hands never touched cold or hot
For now one hand's frozen and the other not.
One hand's burnt and I wish I had fought.
And in the middle of my heart, I'm lukewarm.
And I need one side to pull me over.
Because lukewarm makes me weak.
And hot or cold, there's only you I really seek.
So pull me a side and stay with me there
Because that's all I dream of, but this is a nightmare.
Babe, I'm almost gone, if you don't take my hand.
I'll lose you and I'll lose me and the world will never understand.

Home

She said she couldn't find it, this place called home.
She never felt it, she never lived in it.
She searched near and far, she tried,
She cried.
Home was always too far away no matter how much she walked.
Home was as good as nowhere now.
Her search ceased when at last she grew tired.
And as she sat herself down on a bed that never gave warmth.
Tears rolled down her cheek.
Would she ever find home?
But there under the covers of her bed,
She allowed her mind to travel,
To go places she otherwise couldn't reach.
Under the sheets, she closed her eyes and dreamed.
Of a man that would one day hold her,
Of a man who would love her,
Who would take her home every night.
Who would hold her till the morning light.
Home would always be right
there.
Keeping her safe, keeping her warm.
Within her he would calm the storm.
And that was home, she knew for sure.
But where was he?
Her search still endures.

Coming Clean

I'm laying it down, I'm coming clean,
I'm giving you my all, my everything I mean.
These walls I'm breaking, no more faking
These secrets are no more, I'm laying them on the floor.
Take me, take my words, take my heart,
Take me and break me apart.
Find my joys and find my sorrows,
And embrace them like there's no tomorrow.
I'm yours for all you want of me,
I'm yours for all you see of me
and more.
Babe, don't turn around and walk out the door.
It took me too long to see you there,
Waiting for me, your love to share.
It took me too long to know that I
Was empty and cold and I couldn't try
To leave my state of despair,
Didn't think for once that I was capable of repair,
That you could come along and make me strong.
That you could break me and take all my right from wrong.
That you would care, I didn't have a clue
But babe, how I love you!
How I want you to love me too,
I'm willing, I'm ready,
Now that your here, don't ever leave.

The Story teller

She tells stories like they're a trick of her tongue.
She captures hearts with her voice,
And souls in between her words.
She gathers them all, like stars in a galaxy
and every story adds a spark in her eyes
That she carries on to the curious hearts she encounters.
There's something in the way she speaks
that moves you, that reaches deep within you.
There's something in the stories she tells
Of love and life and joy and sorrow.
There's something about the way her eyes speak,
They tell more stories in a minute than she could in a lifetime,
And yet they all flock to hear her,
to travel, motionless!

The  story teller, learns as she goes
and she teaches what she knows.
She hides behind a million lives, of lessons and loss,
Of pain, grief, and mistakes that cost.
Shes hiding her story for she cannot tell,
Just how broken she is under that hard shell.
And how about that dam spell?!?
To empathize and sympathize no matter what
to know before the end of the plot!
For often she listens with an understanding heart
To the stories that brought two together or tore them apart.
To stories of adventure and mistakes and redemption
To stories of victory, shame and often repression.
And she carries these around with her wherever she goes
This story teller, the keeper of tales, the one who just knows.

She's part of these stories now as she takes them on,
She's one among the characters, one among them all.
She insists we all are but stories on this earth.
Chapter after chapter, unfolding since birth.
And she too is just a story, one that may be forgotten
along with the stories that never made their way.
I tell you of her , this story teller,
In hope that you will meet her some day.

Stay Awake

Stay awake with me
Stay awake and be with me
Let this be our time to be.
To understand without speaking
To know without telling
To answer without asking
Stay awake with me and let me hold your hand
Stay awake there's so little time we have
Our lives are short and I need you now
Close your eyes but stay awake
Dwell in the darkness
Bask in the silence
The night knows more than we ever shall
Stay awake for me.
Will you?
Stay awake for I love you and I can't without you.

Easy

They don't believe the things she says,
They say it's over done and over heard.
They don't see her path of thought,
They can't fathom her perspective at all.

And she's leaning towards not believing in herself.
She's questioning the principles that brought her here.
For suddenly she feels so lost,
Like the world can be hers, but at what cost?

That her way of life is not understandable,
That's it's so beyond ones grasp
that they give up before trying to see her through.
And she wonders ,really, what wrong has done.
And she wonders, really, what right can she do?

For all her life she's believed in just herself
But all of a sudden she can't find herself anymore.
Lost among what they all want her to be
And found among what she's lost in her life.

She needs a moment to stop and look back.
And account for all her actions.
Give her the time to go back and listen to the words she's spoken.
And what about the hearts she's broken?

And then again, the ones she's mended.
She's thinking about the relationships she's started and even the ones she's ended.

And she's breaking inside to leave something behind ,
She's breaking inside to break herself apart.
Why, she wonders, why can't she be easy?
Easy going, easy to understand, easy to have, easy to hold, easy to unfold...

I'm Losing You

I'm losing you,
I'm losing you to something stupid.
You're going away and I can blame me.
But I don't want to, it doesn't have to be.
You're in my head and you're in my heart,
And I didn't know you right from the start.
But we made our way and we made it through,
I can't bare the thought of losing you.
But I screwed it up, I held too long,
I grew weak and forgot what is strong.
With bare hands I held on too tight,
Comforting not just you but my nameless, unheard of fright.
But in the middle of the night
I got lost.
And so did you but at what cost?
Dawn gave us a new fear,
And what was last year, can never be again.
We can't be now what we were back then.
And I shudder to think that everything, someday, must come to an end.

Pretty little girl

Hey pretty girl, don't you cry.
What can help? Will a lullaby?
But no, they'll laugh at you,
You're too old for it they'll say.
But pretty little girl, I will sing to you,
I will sing you to sleep if you're tired.
I will sing you a lullaby if you care to hear.
And they won't laugh, for they won't know.
They don't need to, they won't have to
You don't have to feel alone.
It's okay to cry, I'll sing you a lullaby.

And I promise you it won't mean your small.
I promise you I will tell no one at all.
But, little girl, it's time to retire, to rest,
To sleep and dream, and I wish you the sweetest of them all.
And I'll make sure no one even tries
To wake you , to hurt you, while you close your eyes.
And I pray that when you wake, you feel better,
And just for you, that the sun shines brighter.
Pretty little girl, there won't always be a lullaby.
But if a nightmare wakes you, know that I'll always be there I'll always be nigh.