My relationship with technology

I share a very deep relationship with technology. With my smartphone especially. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, it stays on me or with me at all times.

I'm not exaggerating, it may be a stone's throw away from me sometime during the day when it needs it's own time to recharge but it's always in my line of view and rarely ever out of my sight.
I sit at my laptop for 8/24 hours of my day and then at my desktop or maybe my kindle for another few hours.

Often my 8 very important hours of sleep are cut short by a TV series or a Netflix show that I have to binge watch that very day so I can chat about it with my friends and not be left behind.

I probably open Instagram 30 times a day, Facebook 15 times a day and other apps a couple of times in a span of 24 hours. I'm listening to my music on my commute to and fro work on my Walkman or my phone, whichever sounds better for the day.

Courtesy: Pinterest

My smartwatch counts my steps and tells me the time even though my phone can do the exact same thing.

I spend a lot of my time watching people's stories on Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp and sometimes I put in a lot of effort to ensure my stories are as interactive, engaging and funny as theirs.

If I'm lucky, my story makes it to various location stories on Instagram too.

Sometimes my posts get featured, I win contests, my photography skills are appreciated, I get shout-outs , loads of likes and even comments. My friends tag me in memes and we laugh about them together in comments. You probably share the same kind of day too.

Now. Take a moment and imagine yourself without your apps, your phone, your Walkman, your Kindle, your laptop, your cameras, your earphones and mostly a WiFi connection.


If you had to spend a day without all of this... 
What do you think you'd be doing?
Would you be able to go a day? or even a couple of hours?
Would you start practising a hobby or maybe restart an old one?
Would you start learning music instead of just listening to it?
Would you get some rest since it's been a while since you had a good nap?
Would you walk into a theatre and choose a movie to watch on the spot?


This portion of my article was not to disregard the use of technology in your life. I am of the opinion that while technology has made our life easier, it has also taken half of our lives away.

We're watching our friends excel on their stories instead of working on excelling ourselves. All this at the cost of our own self-esteem.

Memes are suddenly the easiest way to say what you feel without really telling anyone you're feeling it and still get it out there. So basically we can share our insecurities and our pain without really talking about it, by just laughing about it and that's quite a pity.

Information is reaching us quicker, but how much of this information is really relevant?

Would you believe me if I told you the internet has more information about you than your own government and half of it is derived and not even taken from you by consent?  Do you realize that your buying behaviour is actually studied and then used to tempt you into more buying?

Do you realize that there is no such thing as personal space anymore considering that your phone is in it all the time? Which means that every single app developer, news anchor, journalist, advertiser, restaurant owner, brand owner, and the millions of those who work under them all sit in the palm of your hand when you hold your phone. And I won't even begin to tell you how much of money goes into the research industry and the ad industry to move in closer into your personal space to engage with you, to understand you to impress you, to sell to you.

Courtesy: Pinterest

Don't think me paranoid. This is a wake-up call, to undo a certain addiction. A certain something that cannot be stopped as technology only advances. Take stock of your day. How productive are you with the help of technology. Are you dumbing your self down because of how smart your phone is? Do you practice a skill or a hobby that does not require technology to assist you?

It doesn't make you any less of a person if you are independent of your phone to complete a certain task. Like calculations for instance or booking a cab or meeting someone in person.

The biggest tragedy of being able to connect with each other over chats and video calls is that we almost never meet in person anymore, we never laugh in person or even share a hug in person, we have emoji's to do all of that for us now.

Think about it, the world is changing, and so are you. How do you feel in comparison to what you felt about yourself a few years ago? Has something changed in the way you think in the way you perceive yourself in the way you aspire or dream or if you work towards these dreams at all?

Courtesy:Pinterest

Love on hold

This post is one of the most spontaneous ones I've ever written and it's inspired by death even though I would rather it was inspired by life. But that's the truth, death is the only thing that fashions life, that gives life its glamour or its relevance at all.

Most of us are living every day to the best we can because, who knows, tomorrow you may not even be around to do the things you always wanted to do. Or wait, are we really living all we can?

I recently gave it a lot of thought, every time someone in my life has passed away I realize that I did not tell them how much I loved them or even how much I appreciated them being in my life. It's a very general regret that most of us have when we lose people we love. And the best condolence you can receive is "She knew you loved her". But no, maybe she didn't because we didn't speak for the longest time.

When I was 15, I lost my grandfather and my dad to health. A very close school friend took her own life when I was 17, I lost my child hood best friend to a bike accident when I was 19 and I lost a very close college mate to health at the age of 21.

And while I should have learnt my lesson after losing people the first two times, I didn't and every single time after that there have been regrets. I regret that I did not tell them that they were loved and that they meant so much to me. I regret that some misunderstandings were never sorted and that they left this world with a grudge in their hearts towards me, if at all.

I regret that I waited to forgive and to be forgiven and didn't reach out to fix things in time. But that's the whole point of this blog post. Why do we wait or put these little things off for tomorrow?

What might sound to you as a very common topic to be found on a blog after someone loses someone they loved to death, is actually a very grave topic to me today because I am surrounded by people who still don't understand the fragility of life.

You may have heard this very exact lesson from so many people "Love today" "Tell people what they mean to you" "don't sleep over an argument" , but we hear these things, say our "I Love Yous" and then get on with our lives.

But I strongly felt the need to emphasize in this post how very important it is to make up, to stay in touch, to reach out, to sleep in peace, to be happy.

Our days here are numbered. We're all somewhere on the waiting list to go back home. And you can never say if the person on your mind right now will wake up tomorrow and say good morning to you like he does everyday. You can never be sure if today will be the last time you hug your best friend. You will never know if your mom knew you loved her when she passed away just because you argued with her every single day before it.

You will never know how much you could have accomplished on any particular day if you die before it. And you don't know when you're going to die so start prioritizing people and things that really matter. Stop planning and start doing, don't leave misunderstandings unattended, talk it out. Don't be okay with holding grudges especially when you know it has the potential to be fixed.

Don't keep love on hold.

Truth be told

I begin at your end.
My heart twisted and turned at every bend
For you and all that was yours
For us and for a greater cause.
My needs failed to matter,
Yours, however, came to the front.
You're not to blame, this is all me,
Why then am I longing to be set free?
Wasn't it all in my hands from the start?
Or was it all just a trick of the heart?
To make me feel so much through and through,
For someone as devious and unmindful as you
Or should I say unheartful, ungrateful, unthoughtful maybe
Or maybe forgive you and make it look that easy.
To move, move on, move out from it all
Pack my bags, get up or take another fall?
Why does it feel like all is doomed
For happiness, my heart finds no room
Destined to give, and receive but none
Love, shouldn't feel like a war to be won.
But that's what it's become , that's how I feel
The war rages in my soul, a blood stained battlefield.
But no matter who wins, the damage is done
One side will have lost and the other will have won.
The debris, the corpses, the dream's all lost
Now they lay lifeless, but at what cost?
The cost of never being fully content,
The fact that my voice never found a vent.
The fight and the pain has come to an end.
Though, I shall never love the same again.

Reservation for one

It's not a rarity to find more people choosing to go to the movies alone, with no company at all. It's not rare anymore to find people visiting cafes just by themselves. While some choose to call these people introverts, I highly disagree. Not everyone who chooses to be alone is an introvert.

Recently, I've found myself more comfortable being with myself than in the company of others. Whilst I do not mind company, I'm fairly okay with not having any either. And yet I have friends who would ask me, how can you go to a restaurant and eat alone, what do you do at the movies alone, don't you get lonely?

I guess most of us do not know how to be alone. We're always in touch, always communicating, always talking, always reaching out. When was the last time you reached in, got in touch with yourself?

Lost somewhere between #SquadGoals #Groupfie #WeekendGetaway I found myself longing for #Solitude #PersonalSpace #MeTime and I decided it's about time i gave these hashtags a little more attention.

I'd like you to take a moment to analyse when was the last time you went to the restaurant you wanted and not the one the rest of the group wanted to go to. When was the last time you ate your own plate of fries without having to split it. When was the last time you saw a movie and formed your own opinion about it instead of having everyone else influence yours.

Have you ever once been silenced by a good book or a good movie but your social life just wouldn't let you feel the things you wanted to feel after it because you're already making a #WhatNext plan. We're constantly on the move, in the flow, moving with the tide.

Don't get me wrong, friends are cool, having friends who understand you is cooler. But of what use are friends if you've lost yourself somewhere between them all. If you're suddenly finding yourself swept in with the tide, doing things you would otherwise not choose to do if it were your sole decision, it's time to stop and make sense out of it all.

I still hang out with my friends, go for lunches and dinners and parties, we go dancing and we sometimes just chill in someones compound. But now I make time for the things I want to do over everything that the rest of my group wants to do, even if it means doing it alone.

Don't feel guilty to do it too. It's one of the most uplifting things you could do for yourself.

Lastly, I'd like to address a very common comment I get when I tell people I eat alone at restaurants. "How can you be comfortable sitting alone with no one to talk to?"

It's simple, if you can't bear to be with yourself or you can't deal with your own idle mind, how can you expect someone else to want to share a meal with you?

Go ahead, reserve a table for one.

The heart of it all

The heart of it all had everything I never thought it could hold.
It held grudges, it held promises, it held memories
At the heart of it all, I found words, said and unsaid.
I found messages never forgotten,
I saw scratches on the walls, bruises.
I saw stories, some brought me to tears
I found fears, some that were in corners,
Some that came from the dark.
In the dark, I found another heart.

The heart of it all had a cage of anger
But it did not own the keys to let it out.
It had a lot of empty spaces...
Maybe no one cared to fill it,
It held onto lies told,
It had boxes of truths that went untold.
But the most daunting find
Were the restrictions of the mind,
All stacked up and labelled too.
"He's not for you"
"You can't do this"
"RIP Logic?"
It made me sick
At the heart of it all,
I didn't think I'd see
Everything that came between you and me.

Image courtesy: Vanora Vaz

Aster

"I knew you'd come" she said, with a smirk. Her body eased at the feel of warmth beside her.
The skin on their hands barely brushed against each other. They kept their space.
He smiled too.

She thought about the excuses he might have had to make up at home to leave at this hour just to be with her.

The summer breeze gently blew sending dust around the place leaves and piece of them too.

This was where they met most nights. Sometimes she sat there alone, sometimes he did. 

It didn't matter, they weren't there for each other.
"Do you think that that star there has been up there very long?" She asked, pointing towards the sky.
He gazed, he didn't speak when he had no answer.
"I think she's been up there very long. Like she died when she was a child and her parents mourn her death everyday."
"Why do you think so, Aster?"
"It looks like it has a sad story"
He chose not to reply.

Again silence over took them. They lose themselves while gazing beyond the city lights, into the night. Sometimes, if the moon was too bright, it would be the topic of their conversation. But most nights they spoke of lives that have passed on to become stars. 

Her eyes sparkled with the reflection of the daintly lit up sky. He sometimes preferred to look at them instead of the stars.
Her lips were pale. Her face, tired
But her eyes shone, like she longed to take off. There was a fire in them, one that was slowly dimming day by day. And that, he had noticed.

Somewhere, mid thought, she turned to him and asked him "Why did you come? To look at me all the while?"

"You asked me to"

"Say you wanted me to"

"Ha! You're a sly one"

"Okay fine"

"Don't come here alone so often, it's not safe" he said, holding her hand.

She didn't like that he chose such a beautiful night to bring this up again.
She answered by squeezing his hand a little.

"How am I alone?"

He smiled, not knowing how to answer. But it had been two years now. They'd meet on the town's abandoned  water tank. Lay there, quietly, comfortable in each others presence, talking only if and when required, every time she wished for him.

And on days she didn't wish for him, she looked out for him in the sky.

Today, he was with her. Until the sun rose of course.

And when the first beams of light began to show, she drew out of a seamless slumber, only to find her hand empty.

She made her way back home, sure to reach before they all woke up, sure that he was looking down upon her, showering kisses every time she longed for him, wishing stars came out in daylight too.

The Story Keeper

She was made of them; stories.
She picked them up, one by one
Gathered them along the way she had travelled.
She collected them and held them in her heart
And they made her whole.
She kept them close and they kept her together.
She could lose herself in their midst and yet find herself within the chaos.
She had learned to make them her own.

Stories;
She could tell them the way they were or change them to suit you,
She could twist and turn them the way her heart pleased,
Or in ways to bring you to your knees.

Stories;
She heard them, she told them, she learned them.
She was building her own day by day, 

with bits and pieces picked up along the way.
But by now she was made up of so many others
What was one story's truth against another?

A look into her eyes would take you afar
To places unheard of and a life of scars,
To tears not shed and dreams in bed,
To words unspoken and hearts that were broken.
But where would her own story fit? she was out of space.
Her story was leaving her, slowly going, leaving no trace.

Now she's made up of everything and everyone
With so much to offer and yet, of her own, she had none.
She's holding on to her story by it's tail, waiting for a taker,

Someone to hold it dear, someone who will not fear,
Someone to make it their own. 

Someone, alas, to give it a home.

Lost Causes

What happens to lost causes?
Lost stories.
What happens to what once was and now isn't?
Other than it being pushed into the past;
What does it do in the past?
Does anything happen to it?
Does it materialize then?
What happens to lost souls and lost bodies?
Where do they go?
Where, also, do lost memories go?

While some return and some burn;
What happens to those that just leave,
That get up one day and say "I give up, I'm a lost cause'
Who finds them?
Do they ever get found?
Or do they reach the ground like the rest of us?
What happens to lost hopes and lost dreams?
Are they wandering somewhere in the universe like lost screams?

Lost causes...
Do we find them maybe in another life?
If that's true then maybe, someday, 

I'll  find you. 

Shooting Stars

I wished upon a star.
The one that flew across the sky that night,
Among so many others.
And I remember turning to you and asking you to make a wish.
I made one too.
But that star dove down for you.

We held hands, closed our eyes and wished.
Like kids with dreams waiting to come true.
You wished for what you loved, I wished for you.
Little did I know that the star would fall for no one else but you.

We waited, in our own time, hoping that shooting stars would land,
You; for someone to come by and rightly kiss your hand.
And honestly, how I waited too!
But she let go of the sky just for you.

These stars, what they'd do for you!

Come crashing down so you have your way

Shoot across the night sky

Just to make your day.

And today I know that you've forgotten
To look up at the skies,
To close your eyes and make a wish.
For all the stars you've wished upon have fallen for you already. 

Why don't you, then, wish upon a star for me.

October all over again

It feels like October.
I don't need a calendar
There's an atmosphere that says it
You may call it the weather.
But it's more of a feeling
I hope it does some healing.
Maybe I've come full circle.
Maybe Octobers will always be the same for me.

October, dear October
You will be my forever friend;
Come what May
In you I find redemption.
When the leaves turn gold and they have life no more.
You bid them well and let them go.

If only letting go were that easy for me.
I'm forever like the evergreen tree.
October,I need a lesson, a 101 maybe
Of letting go and letting live
Of allowing myself to take as much as I give
And its funny that I bank on you
It's funny that I think you will pull me through

Cause if you really ever did
I wouldn't be back to where I started
And yet you have my heart,
October, where do I even start?
You have no glamour and nothing more to a name
Why do I wait all year for you then?
Is it in your beauty or the way the leaves fall
Or maybe it's the hope that life will grow
The way it's October, all over again....

Rush

Have you ever stood at a platform while a super fast train passed you by?
It doesn't end for a good 15 seconds
And those 15 seconds are enough to mess your hair up,
Gush breeze into your face.
And the speed infront of you sends your heart racing and your blood pumping.
And you find yourself being pulled along with it but you hold your ground,
Basking in the control you have over your feet.
Everyone steps aside, with their made up hair and flair dresses
Can't let the dust get in their eyes
The ground under your feet trembles and it almost feels unreal.
They watch you and think your crazy
But they don't feel the way you do
They don't know how to.
You close your eyes and you don't care
To be pulled or lifted in the air
You don't want control anymore.
The dust lifts, and the surroundings are unsettled...
And it's an adrenaline that you wish was within you
And just when you've made yourself comfortable
It's over.
The train has passed, the only sounds you hear are that of everything settling again
But you can't.
You can't settle like everything else.
Not when you've experienced that rush.
It was a rush within.
But now that it's gone, you feel empty.
It's too quiet.
And you look around and realise
Only you felt it. Only you lost it.
Only you would miss it.

Three nights

I'm okay, I'm alright
I just needed three nights
Quiet.
You have to understand
It's not easy communicating all day
Especially when there are so many voices
In your head, in your bed,
When there are more people inside you
Than beside you.
I just needed some time
To rewind, Unwind.
To leave behind,
To remind myself;
I'm okay I'm alright
I'm fine.
I just needed to feel.
Unreal.
It's not easy walking around
With two faces; One facing you,
One facing the ground.
We needed a break, both of us
In the same body, tired, restless
Careless.
We needed to settle our differences,
Accept our flaws, fix our walls,
Break our falls.
How can we be enemies in the same fort?
Holding each other captive to what seems to be eternal damnation.
We'll be fine, trust me, we'll be good.
Take care of me and I'll take good care of you.
There's nothing more I want than to fix you.
Quiet.
I'm okay I'm alright.
This is why I needed three nights.

Release

There isn't much you can do with grudges
There isn't much you can fix when it isn't in your hands anymore
There's no point worrying when all you could have done is done
Breathe
Release

Anger does nothing but unsettle you
Jealousy makes you more insecure than you already thought you were
And greed will never satisfy you.
Calm down
Release

Over thinking swallows you
Not thinking numbs you
Not feeling, intentionally, will hurt you the most
Feel
Release

Loss changes you, for better or for worse
Being found changes you to a greater extent
Stagnancy won't do you any good
Travel
Release

Sometimes you're surrounded by the world
Sometimes all you have is yourself
Often your alone in a crowd
Realize
Release

People do you wrong sometimes
You've disappointed yourself sometime
You wish some days could be erased and forgotten for good
Forgive
Release

Does it matter?

Does it matter to you that you don't see me anymore?
Does it matter to you that we don't speak?
Tell me, does it matter that we don't laugh?
Does it matter to you that I don't talk to anyone now?
Does it matter that I don't sleep?
Doesn't it bother you even one bit that I'm not dreaming of you anymore
Or maybe thinking of you, does it?
Do you think about me when your mind is at ease?
Or am I a thought that causes you unease?
What have I become now inside your heart?
Does it matter that mine is a cold an empty part?
How do you sleep knowing my pain?
Or do you not know? Then all is in vain.
Does it matter that my smile is different?
Or that my eyes don't look the way they used to when I did smile around you.
Do you care, though, that I'm traveling in my head
Sometimes when I'm lost in thought, while sleepless in bed?
Some nights the moon won't shine and those nights are easier.
Some days the sun comes out from behind
the clouds and I swear,
I miss the rain more than you.
Or maybe the other way around.
But that doesn't matter...at all to you.

Happy Endings

A fairy tale, that's what we never were
A happy ending, that's where we never reached
A prince charming, still searching for his damsel in distress
His damsel, losing hope day by day
Fairy tales are rare, sometimes they just don't get there
Glass slippers, ballrooms, knights in shining armor
How different are they
from sneakers, karaoke nights and pajamas?
My fairy tale was nothing short of a lie.
For everything I hoped it to be
Came crashing down in front of me
And I think about the tales my mama spoke off
I always wanted the happy ending.
But she quietened me, "wait for it, it's inevitable"
Wait for it then!

Before every happy ending is a battle
They fought for the happy ending;
The story didn't end until there was a happy ending
Maybe this story isn't over then.
It's time to slay the dragons and kill the beasts,
Dodge the wolves and make it to the feast.
Happy Ending, I'm waiting for you;
Happy Ending, wait for me.

Déjà vu

I was too careful
To open my heart out to anyone
Once bitten, always scarred.
But then I met you and not only did you ask about the wounds
You bandaged them too and you kissed them and said they'd be better now.
And I could see it happening all over again, me falling
Falling into something
Someplace that I've been before
In love.
And how scared I was
The deeper I feel, the more I knew this could hurt just like the last time
And I questioned it again and again and again.
And they all warned me, they even tried to stop me.
But by now, I was unstoppable.
I was in love.
And your hand was in mine
We were falling together.
Or I was pulling you along with me.
We broke walls, we crossed boundaries
We sailed oceans and we dove into seas
Oh boy how we travelled.
We had our moments of love;
where time stood still;
Or moved too fast.
Oh I wish time could wait for us!
Then I wouldn't be here talking about a past.
I wish you were here
In my present, marking my future;
I wish you remained a part of me
I wish you stayed
I thought you would
But yet again, I find myself begging for love;

Begging for you.

Rhythm

There's a rhythm we all live by
Each of us have our own unique one
They differ in time and pace
But they come through in everything we do
The way we walk, talk, breathe, dance, sing, eat, even sleep
There's a rhythm that we unknowingly keep.
And throughout our lives we are looking for another person 

whose rhythm suits us
Whose time and rhyme fits well with our own
Whose rhythm makes you groove
And maybe move
To something only you can hear. 

You're always in search of this rhythm

The one that's just perfect for you
And until you find it, everyone else will just be a little off beat

Everyone else will just be a little out of time

Maybe a little out of line

And you will try to change your rhyme

to suit someone else's when you think you're out of time

But darling, don't! 

Be patient, wait

Your rhythm is great,
Don't settle for a time that doesn't suit your rhyme

24th floor

"It's supposed to feel on top of the world", they said
Being loved; loving.
"You gotta feel so high that it grounds you."
"Like Mount Everest;"
Whatever that feels like.
But it feels like the 24th floor.

Damn it, it feels like the 24th floor!

It's supposed to take your breath away,
The view is supposed to be heavenly.
The journey tough and the climb tedious

The destination brilliant and worth it; completely.

"It supposed to feel like Mount Everest", they said

They've probably been there...

The view is beautiful from the 24th floor,

And I must be mad to ask for more.

But they speak of Everest and my heart wants to go!

Forgive me, 24th floor.

I see you, brave heart

I see you, brave heart, I watch you make your way,
Everyday, with a heaviness about you,
With the weight of tears not shed;
And a heavy head, from the sleepless nights;
because of a fight, that went on for days
and in many ways, it consumed you,
I see you, brave heart, I'm walking right beside you
So if you may fall, I'll be here to catch you,
Like the one who should have been here all along.
But no, you're strong. Enough with the waiting;
What about all the hating that goes on within your soul.
After all the loving, dear heart, you've turned cold.
I see you brave heart, I hear your loud cries
But under these cloudy skies, who dares to look
Into foggy eyes, and ask if they might
about a fright or a fear, they all turn a deaf ear.
a blind eye, a helpless hand,
But I see you, brave heart,
and you're struggling to stand.
Take my hand, trust me,
For I am not your enemy.
The whole world will fool you
And Darling they will confuse you,
They will spin you around, throw you to the ground,
Brave heart, they will tear you apart.
But I see you, picking yourself up
Off the ground, dusting it all off, slowly
Surely, moving on, moving ahead
Brave heart, though you'd want to stay instead
You took the bigger step.
And brave heart,
I saw you.

A story I cannot tell

There is a story,
That of love.
But it is one
I cannot speak of.
It is a story where words fall short
It is one in which love is and is lost.
Although I cannot and will not tell,
It stays with me, forever, oh well!
It's a story that I will repeat again and again
To myself when I'm alone in need of a friend.
It's a story that will make me smile inside
For outside they won't listen,
No one will dare.
They won't listen, no one will care.
For love turns us into fools.
And fools don't listen,
Not even to stories of love.
Fools don't listen, especially when they are in love.
So I'll keep this story, close to my heart.
A fool for you, right from the start.
And I hope I can pen it down some day, 

in a year or two, or maybe thirty two.
Until then, let's just let it stay.
Sealed, never to leave,
My tongue won't give it away.