There are reasons

'There are reasons', she said.
Reasons she can't watch those romantic comedies anymore
Reasons she won't walk down that street
Reasons she'd rather travel alone.
There are reasons she can't allow herself to be quiet
And reasons she won't engage in certain conversations.
'There are reasons', she said, she can't eat there anymore.
And reasons she won't let anyone hold her hand.
And reasons she won't let anyone carry her or hold her for that matter,
And reasons she can't listen to love songs,
And reasons she can't stand two people kissing,
And reasons she won't let anyone charm her.
She's lying.

There was just one reason and he was the cause of it all.

The Chair

I sit across the table,
rehearsing every line I've come here to say.
Moments from now, my heart will spill
and I will tell you things you've wished to hear.
My heart's in my throat and a shiver runs down my spine.
My nerves are restless, does this place have some wine?

Focus.

Practice.
"Hi, I love you." No.
"Hi, I know I've taken too long to say this, but, I really like you" No.
"I love you"
Uggh!
Calm down.

I stare blankly at the chair, you're a little late, I'm grateful.
Closing my eyes, hoping the waiters don't think me crazy.
I think about you and about me. And that I've finally come to this day,
To the day I'm ready to declare my love for you.
Butterflies.
Where are you?

"Can I have some wine please"

You've waited so long for me, whats 30 minutes for me to wait for you, right?
Thanks for always being there.
...
...
...
...
...
...
No thanks for leaving that chair empty today.
"Waiter, keep the change"

The Inside Story

It's been two years now since the creation of this blog and its 1st post and in these two years it has helped me grow as a person and as a writer, along with providing me with a vent out, 'express yourself space'.
To all of you who frequent this blog and who give me feedback or even tell me how much you loved or hated each post, Thank you! You're the reason this blog still exists and celebrates two years today.

There are a few lucky people who get to know what inspires most of my blog posts, others take lucky guesses.
For most of you who are still wondering, this post will tell you what inspired my favorite post of every month.

January 2014:
Under the influence
When I wrote this post I was driven by a disgust for the influence that narcotics have on people and how a feeling of ecstasy that otherwise can be attained through much natural occurrences is now attained through drugs and substances that are so harmful to the human body.

February 2014:
Beauty, born of the dark
In this post, I have used a lot of imagery to explain but a very simple emotion: heart break.
Loss and the heaviness of heart inspired this post and it became a crowd favorite mostly because it very subtly expresses what the heart never finds the words to say. It also displays the heart to be a creature that finds its peace only in the stillness of the night or in silence. Further it is also a search for beauty within the recesses of ones insecurities.
Love's fake identity
In this post I have personified love and portrayed him to be a cheater or one who changes colour as and when he wishes to. It also talks about how love can fool you and make you believe things. I had fun writing this post.

March 2014:
She doesn't know
This post rose from the idea of ignorance. How you can be affected by something only through the knowledge of it and how we are either protected or harmed by the knowledge of somethings. The post names random instances but if you read each of them through, you can build an instance around each of them.

April 2014:
Little Girl
This post also got the highest number of views in whole of 2014.
It was inspired by a very special friend who's humility is something I could tell the world about. Her age here is irrelevant for she forever portrays herself to be a child of God. Till date she continues to be an inspiration to me.
It's impossible to not fall in love with a girl like her, and what's even more fascinating is that she always keeps you in awe of her. Shes a walking talking wonder.

May 2014:
Time Traveler
Time traveler was written keeping a very special friend in mind. A friend who gave up too soon. While we all worry about our future, there are some of us who would live a lot better had we lived in the moment and worry less about what's to come.

June 2014:
For as long as we have voices
The book Eat Pray Love came to me at the most appropriate time. They say books know when to come to you. This post was inspired by a quote in the book and it just made me realize how important it is to be thankful for as long as you really can. People leave and maybe you'll lose your voice, time, distance, a lot of obstacles could come your way. So it's better to express your gratefulness now then to wait.

July 2014:
Match Maker
This post actually stemmed from a joke between me and two other friends. However if there really existed a match maker this is what it would be like.
Saving Grace
This post is actually a really late post. The experience shared here was a life changing one that took place in the month of April. I was at my lowest point when I received a saving grace. something that changed me forever and for the better. Something you should all know, don't ever give up, even at your lowest things can turn around.

August 2014:
You don't break what's not yours
So many times my friends tell me of how unsure  they are about the person they are dating or whether they should date at all. This post was written especially for them. In my opinion, it's better to wait around and be sure than to jump into a relationship before you know what you really want from it. You save yourself the effort, you save yourself the worry and you save yourself the time. Most of all, you prevent the likelihood of another heart-break.

September 2014:
How He loves you
If you notice, this post addresses the same person it addressed in a post in the month of April. Little Girl. It was written for the same person. This friend of mine grew really ill, so ill that we thought hospitalization would be a must. But prayers went up at the speed of lightning and in a day, this friend grew well miraculously.
I'd like to think that this little girl is loved abundantly by God (He). And that He can do anything for His little girl.
Kisses without borders
This short story was actually written in my creative writing paper in college. I rewrote it out of memory for this blog. From among my very own short stories, it's my favorite.

October 2014:
In the light of Forgiveness
October was a month of redemption. With an autumn theme, I wrote most of my posts to relate to renewal and forgiveness, redemption and finding your way back. This set of posts were my favorite.
'In the light of forgiveness' focuses on the need to find peace with yourself in spite of the turmoil that you put yourself through. Your struggle with your insecurities, your goals, your aspirations all find its way home only once you forgive yourself for all the times you have let your self down. A little self healing never harmed anyone.

November 2014:
The Burden of the Bubble
This post is one of my favorites from the month of November because it's something very personal. Inspite of that, a number of readers messaged me saying it was thoroughly relatable. This post deals with one's independence and fear of letting someone get so close that it gives them the opportunity to control you to a certain extent. I refer to it as a burden because often it comes in the way of you and something that you long for just because of fear.

December 2014:
Writing off rape
With the rise in rape cases being reported in the news everyday, I was drawn toward writing this post. Reading about it in the papers unsettles all of us, but everyone of us know that the people with power in their hands are the only ones who can actually change the scene for us civilians. That is exactly why this post has a verse targeting a powerful man's loved ones. I got a really good view count on this one and a number of people messaged me saying I hit the nail on the head.


A little snippet from my 1st blog post 'Grounded and Uplifting'
Sometimes we get lost in our accomplishments, so lost that we don't realize how high we have risen
And how difficult it is to hear people from way above them!
What's the use of rising above then, if you cant communicate with the ones who helped you get there?
It's better to be GROUNDED and UPLIFTING than lifted and uprooted.

Traces of You.

Gone are all traces of you

Little by little, ridding myself of them.

For long after you left, I still had you.

But I've come a long way now and time has been my friend

I've emptied the drawers, just like I emptied my heart.

I burnt the photos, like I burned some memories.

I sold what could be sold, the way you put a price on us.

And yes, it made up for the price I paid in loving you.

There is nothing left to remind me of you,

even the words of my diary have been torn through and through.

Gone are the flashbacks that once haunted my nights,

gone are the daydreams that came without my plight.

All wounds have healed.

All scars have come clean.

A heart once broken is fit and fine.

A life once yours is now all mine.

If there ever was a time I felt more loved,

Its now.

For I love myself now, more than I did before,

I love myself more than the love you could ever show.

And maybe that was it all along.

Maybe love is what keeps me strong.

My love though, more than yours.

Love for me and all my flaws.

You've made me proud

This year was rough but you've come so far.
Girl, you've made me proud,
Happy to see you here and not where you were.
Into the light and out of fear.

Everyone begins the race,
But not all of us make it through.
You have outdone yourself for sure,
I saw them trying to break you.

They almost succeeded
But girl, how happy I am that you stayed put!
You loved so much and love broke you in turn
But you fixed yourself up so strong, never again to burn.

For you deserve wholeness and not an incomplete air.
You deserve to be one within and not dependent on one with no care.

Girl, I'm proud of you because this time you stood your ground.
You guarded your dignity and demanded respect.
Like a wall that no boulder can bring down.

This year I've seen you become more than I ever thought you could,
This year you've surprised me much more than I ever thought you would.

Brave girl, count your blessings and forget not to be thankful.
For there are those who came for you, there are those who got out.
All in all, they are part of you without a doubt.

Fill your heart with joy before your year goes by.
Celebrate the person you've become,
Rejoice in the obstacles you've overcome.

Take flight, dear little girl
Take flight, dear little heart,
A year has come to an end
But another is here to start.

Rewind

We should have begun where it all ended
We should have started from right now and gone to where we were
That way, the worst would be over and we'd be who we loved,
That way, the world would turn the other way around and we would finally catch up.

If we started where we said goodbye and then loved our way through,
I'd know at first what it would be like without you.
And maybe that would keep me wary of keeping you safe till the start.
I wonder, will I ever be able to rewind my heart?

Your Guardian Angel

Baby girl, You have grown up so well, and I must retire now
Your every step was taken with care, I assured you no scars at all.
But honey, I must leave now, for there are more like you and less like me
And you're a big girl now, taking on everything you see
The world is your oyster or should I say your stage
It's your playground, no mater your age.
And sweetheart, don't be afraid, I know you,
You can slay dragons and cross seas,
You can tear down monuments and dissolve empires,
You can do so much, without me.
My time has come and I have to go, baby girl, don't look so sore.
Hold on a minute, let me give you a blessing
There's just one thing you must have, take my wings.
With my wings on your shoulder you have enough and more
Goodbye, baby girl, you'll be alright, I know.
Look sky wards always and let no frown burden you
When in trouble, know that your guardian angel Loves you.

Writing off Rape

Who gave you the right to take off her clothes?
Who told you you could touch her or even get close?
Don't say she asked for it, don't say it and then smile.
If that the case, then you have asked to be hung, forget a fair trial.

If her clothes or lack of them beckon you near,
Then your mentality is something every woman must fear.
Who told you she's willing, who gave you the right?
No one did! You did what you wanted to on that horrible night.

A rod, a rope, a wring and not a ring.
Where have you come from? what about your upbringing?
Brutal, inhuman, beastly and wild
Were you insanely blind? She was but a child!

I am a woman, a scared one for sure.
I'm not safe anymore, no matter what you politicians assure.
What one man does to me, the others just watch.
Disgusting, they don't help, police won't even sway a torch.

For what happens to me, you don't really care,
You'd rather make me change the clothes I wear.
Excuse me, hello, men at the chair,
One day, it will be your mother, daughter or wife, then will you care?

She's standing her ground

She's done being trampled upon, done being the scapegoat
She's standing her ground now and she doesn't care what you think of her
She's got no one to impress but herself and she will do that her own way.
Right now, standing up for what she knows she wants will suffice.
So don't think you can get away with sweet gifts and kind words to say,
She see much better now, not blinded by the light of day.
This change you may say was not foreseen,
well she's glad she caught you by surprise.
You can't mess with her anymore, at least not unless she lets you,
And trust me, she's better than that.
Her standards are set high, her spirit now unbreakable,
So try her and see what you get, just what she wants to give and nothing more.
The way you treated her said a lot about who you are,
But not enough for you to earn anyone's respect.
So now, when she has freed herself from what bound her for years,
She's praying you come to a realization too.
That people don't belong to you no matter how much you think they do
And you can't have your way, at least not now,
when she has vanished from your everyday.

The Journey

The journey is long, the journey is tough
The path to thread is narrow and rough
But don't let that hold you back from it all
The end will be worth every fall.

On your way you will meet some trouble
But the path is such, your blessings will double
And when you thirst and gravely hunger
The journey will provide from its resourceful treasure.

The path will try you and it will test
Everything that made you believe you are the best
And it will leave you with either of these
You will prove to be unbeatable or you will humble yourself with ease.

And when that happens, your journey will become less of a task

And on your way, there will be no questions asked

You will take each step as each brick comes

And the sound of surrender, you will sweetly hum.

For the journey is not in your hands as much as it is in your heart

It's your legs that move, but your soul that leads from the start

Travel with wonder and awe for all things, they are great.

But don't stop moving thinking it's your fate.

This road is long, but not difficult to travel

You will be taken care of, no matter how tedious the walk on the gravel

The end is not somewhere you've been before

Don't worry though, trust me, it's so much more.

Acknowledge

There are men who died for you,
People who cried for you,
They laid down their lives for you
They took up a fight for you
There are people who pray for you,
People who stay for you
Some make sacrifices for you
Some take a step for you
Some stand up for you
Some draw a seat for you
Some people will be nice to you
Some others not so good
Some will listen to you
Yet some will be misunderstood
Some give their all for you
Some take away from you
Some will betray you
But some will make a way for you.
There are many kinds of people we come across in a single day
Some will enrage you, some will give you a lot to say
But some will come and some will just go
Leaving you, but like never before.
And in these people we hope to see ourselves,
Living in their hearts is how we choose to live. Well,
Then open you eyes, and don't disguise, tell them how grateful you are
For telling them now is better than not telling them at all.
Appreciate. Welcome. Love. Let go.
Acknowledge.

Of Kings and of Kingdoms

It is not easy to rule a land,
To live up to expectations and hold command.
It's not of a weak heart to lead,
Only mighty men may ride a royal stead.
But is it might that truly empowers?
Or is it power that proves ones might?
None! I'd say, it's the heart that always wins the fight.
For a kingdom is nothing without it's heart.
A king must lead and not tear apart
One from his family for reasons of war.
Rather use his mind and heart, a cold war to thaw.
For kingdoms will rise and kingdoms will fall
But he who rules from his heart,
Forever rules the hearts of all.

The Innocent Murderer

They don't know what they are doing. They do not know how burdened I am with guilt.
They make a decision to end it all and then they choose the railway as a spot.
Those victims, who could have been saved by mere conversation,
Now are delivered to death by my hands, my controls, or better still, my not being in control.

In my country it isn't a rare sight to see them, the poor at heart give up their lives
Poverty, unemployment, depression, disease,
all of it are not balanced out by good friends and good counsel.
If it were, I wouldn't have to call myself the innocent murder.

Innocent because I have no intention to kill,
A Murder because I cannot stop the kill from taking place,
especially since the train cannot halt at such short notice.
I don't think i need to tell you what happens next.

Days go by and everyday I fear the weakness of a soul.
For it is the weak at heart that make me a murderer.
Think of me, before you think of laying yourself down.
Think of me before you hear the train's honking sound. 

What They Don't Know

She out there. Taking on the world now, bit by bit, her life is falling into place. She's got the scholarship shes been trying so hard to get and she's got her mind set and ready to take on whatever life throws her way.

She's a fighter, that's what they all call her. They say she knows what she wants and she's out to get it, a successful life! They say the universe works hand in hand with her to make her dreams come true.

If only...

As she sits by the window, she ponders about the number of things they say about her.
How determined she is,
how hardworking,
how focused...
and a small smile, almost pitiful, lines her face. They don't know what she knows.

She knows what a struggle it was, leaving home for a far away place, leaving friends for a better education, leaving family behind for the sake of a future. They don't know the things she left before taking this big step. They don't see her sitting by this window.

They don't know the millions of decisions she took, they don't know the price she had to pay, they don't know what she sacrificed. They don't know how heavy her heart was, saying goodbye, they don't know how deep she drowned herself in fear before getting onto that flight.

They don't know she felt like she wasn't the one in control, they weren't aware that she didn't have a map.

They aren't aware of the boy, the one who made this the most difficult move of all, they don't know about the heart breaker, who kept her here long after she left. They don't know how difficult it was to let go.

They don't know that it is now done. He has been freed. She has been freed.

They don't know just like sometimes, she doesn't know.

And while shes sitting by her window, thinking about all of them, only she knows what it's like to not know and only she knows that sometimes, it's okay to not know.

Suddenly, her smile isn't pitiful anymore, its beautiful!

The Burden of the Bubble

She walked around with a bubble around her. It kept her safe from those who wanted to come too close. She said it was her own space, it's what allowed her to move about in public. She also said she would feel naked without it.

For years she wore it, so long, that no one could remember the time she moved without it.

That part of her life was only for her to remember.

Now, her bubble had grown so strong, that not only was it impenetrable but also her protective gear. She had friends, many of course, for her charm and her smile called for it. But none could invade this space she kept for herself.

Years ago, when she walked without her shield, she was loved. She gave and received love unconditionally, until one day, someone took that for granted, stripped her off her defenses and took away all that she had.

And then, all she had was herself.

She didn't buy this bubble, nor was it gifted to her, it formed on it's own and she grew into it. Suddenly, she didn't want to be loved in return for the love she gave.

But like all fairy tales, that bubble popper had to cross her path, and the world is grateful for him.

He walked by her, bubble and all, and never once took notice of it. He gave her love like she gave it out to the rest, but the love he gave could only be seen and not felt.  Now she felt trapped, what had she done to herself over all these years?

She had locked herself up so hard that now she lived where no one could reach her, not even the ones she wanted to reach out to, herself.

Separated by a thick wall of insecurity, he was not willing to leave her sulking within her a cocoon of her past.
Like a knight in shinning armor, he expressed his desire to love her and never leave her. And after all these years, she saw eyes that loved and waited to see her through no wall at all.

Her bubble begin to choke her, she suffocated in this cell she locked herself up in.
This abyss of darkness, pride, pity and tears,
And before he knew it, his heart skipped at the sight of her pain and without a thought he drew his sword and tore down the walls that threatened to swallow her.

In a split second, she was in  his arms, panting, breathing quick but gradually growing normal.
He held her. For the 1st time, she felt naked and she liked it.

It was okay to be naked this way, when someone's love clothed you and more importantly, fit you perfectly.

A Flower buried beneath a Stone

From a young man to the mother he didn't love enough:

I bring you flowers, flowers for your grave.
Today when your're not here, I'm down on my knees shedding many a tear.
These flowers I bring as a gift to you,
Now when you are but dust in the wind and a breeze that blows through
And I regret where I was when you were flesh and bones,
For then I didn't bring you flowers, I just threw stones.
The biggest stone thrown was sending you away,
To a home for the old, a strange place to stay.
Mama, mama dear, forgive me please, I'm crying, I miss you, I'm down on my knees.

Another stone that hurt you the most
Would have been when I treated you like a ghost,
For when you were near I paid no heed
And now I realize you're all that I need.
Mama, I'm looking at the stone, the one they laid you beneath,
And today I have flowers that I place at your feet.
But in my heart I hope you see,
Mama, I feel tremendously guilty.

I pray that no other man
Ignores the presence of a mother,
For we live this life but once,
And like a mothers love, there is no other.

October Diaries- Post #9: Autumn is mine

Autumn, my love, must you be so beautiful?
They say Spring is the one to eye,
But Spring, I think, is over rated.
Autumn, there's nothing more lovely than change.
How slowly you move, swaying with the music of winter!
Yet your presence is felt, much stronger than seen.
Autumn, damn them who call you the harbinger of the shivers.
For you make me feel all warm on the inside.
Autumn, if time was mine to dictate, Spring would have to watch out.
Autumn, don't tell me you have to go, tell me something I don't already know.
For if there's one thing you've given me, its redemption, it's a will to be free.
No longer does the memory of summer hold me down,
No longer does the rain bring back the frown.
For Autumn is mine forever more.
Autumn, will travel, but will never really leave and go.

Embrace the Light

It's not about the light, it's about what it does to you.
It's not about how bright it is but rather that you can see
The light exists, and yet you live in the dark
It isn't about the silence, It's about what you hark.
Listen, don't just see.
The light heralds, the good in you and me.
Look, smile and acknowledge the way,
Kiss the light, thank it for your sight of day.
Let it in, let it touch your heart.
Light moves, let it be a part
Of your soul, that till this day was hidden
Behind the clouds of doubt and sin.
Redeem yourself, let the light in,
Be born again, light up within.
And lest the light comes to an end,
Don't think darkness is your soul's best friend.
For the darkness is but the absence of light.
It's nothing but the cause of our own fright.
But fill yourself up with an illumination of another kind
And watch how fear is bid good riddance by your mind.
And soon, the darkness under closed eyes
Will be more kind to you under all the world's skies.
For your heart shines, it outshines the best
And darkness will finally be put to the test!

Happy Diwali :)
Photo Credit: Siddhanth Manoj

October Diaries- Post #8: In the light of Forgiveness

Forgive yourself for the pain you put yourself through,
For unloving yourself when someone failed to love you,
For feeling small when the world tried to make you feel that way.
Forgive yourself for the path that you took by mistake,
For not knowing better when you expected yourself to,
For letting yourself down when you wanted to be the best.
Forgive yourself for hurting within and for hurting yourself some more,
For feeling ugly when they stopped calling you beautiful,
For blaming yourself for losing him, when he left of his own accord.
Forgive yourself for brooding and for sighing and for self pity.
Don't regret the time you spent redeeming yourself.
After a storm, take the time to recover, to rehabilitate and to restore.
Remember that the storm is never the end.
It's a second chance, pick up the pieces,
Discard the ones that weigh you down and put together those that make you whole.
And if a storm should come yet again,
It would have to think twice before trying to break you.
For forgiveness doesn't just heal, it empowers.

The Selfiecation

It all happened when someone turned the camera towards themselves instead of pointing it at the subject.
That was the beginning of a revolution.
Unfortunately, this revolution was not as big as the one yet to come.

When that person spun the camera around, little did he know what he was doing.
Of course his action resulted in the 'self portrait' but he didn't anticipate the 'Selfie'.

The beauty of this action was more than in just turning the camera around, it was in the fact that you did not know the result of your capture until you printed it.

The fun in the original Selfie lay also in the fact that it caught the 'you' that was originally beautiful and not the 'you' you considered beautiful.

Today, front cameras on phones (the bigger revolution) have eliminated the spontaneity of a Selfie. It has even allowed for editing a Selfie. The term suddenly doesn't describe the process anymore.
How about an Self-Editee?

The real 'you' has today turned into the 'you' that you want to show the world.

With the click of a few buttons you can change the color of your hair, the color of your skin, erase the blemishes, tint the pic, highlight your assets, hide your insecurities, purse your lips and voila: The Self-Editee!

The edit doesn't always happen via technology. The saddest part of the Selfie generation today is the pains taken to prepare for a Selfie, the make up, the dress up, the fake smiles, the poses!

It's was fun until someone took it too far, maybe to the top of a 12 floor building, maybe atop a railway line, maybe somewhere even more dangerous. The acknowledgement of a Selfie became more important than the purpose of taking the Selfie itself.

In the effort to create a Selfie, what happened to it's spontaneity?