Lost Causes

What happens to lost causes?
Lost stories.
What happens to what once was and now isn't?
Other than it being pushed into the past;
What does it do in the past?
Does anything happen to it?
Does it materialize then?
What happens to lost souls and lost bodies?
Where do they go?
Where, also, do lost memories go?

While some return and some burn;
What happens to those that just leave,
That get up one day and say "I give up, I'm a lost cause'
Who finds them?
Do they ever get found?
Or do they reach the ground like the rest of us?
What happens to lost hopes and lost dreams?
Are they wandering somewhere in the universe like lost screams?

Lost causes...
Do we find them maybe in another life?
If that's true then maybe, someday, 

I'll  find you. 

Shooting Stars

I wished upon a star.
The one that flew across the sky that night,
Among so many others.
And I remember turning to you and asking you to make a wish.
I made one too.
But that star dove down for you.

We held hands, closed our eyes and wished.
Like kids with dreams waiting to come true.
You wished for what you loved, I wished for you.
Little did I know that the star would fall for no one else but you.

We waited, in our own time, hoping that shooting stars would land,
You; for someone to come by and rightly kiss your hand.
And honestly, how I waited too!
But she let go of the sky just for you.

These stars, what they'd do for you!

Come crashing down so you have your way

Shoot across the night sky

Just to make your day.

And today I know that you've forgotten
To look up at the skies,
To close your eyes and make a wish.
For all the stars you've wished upon have fallen for you already. 

Why don't you, then, wish upon a star for me.

October all over again

It feels like October.
I don't need a calendar
There's an atmosphere that says it
You may call it the weather.
But it's more of a feeling
I hope it does some healing.
Maybe I've come full circle.
Maybe Octobers will always be the same for me.

October, dear October
You will be my forever friend;
Come what May
In you I find redemption.
When the leaves turn gold and they have life no more.
You bid them well and let them go.

If only letting go were that easy for me.
I'm forever like the evergreen tree.
October,I need a lesson, a 101 maybe
Of letting go and letting live
Of allowing myself to take as much as I give
And its funny that I bank on you
It's funny that I think you will pull me through

Cause if you really ever did
I wouldn't be back to where I started
And yet you have my heart,
October, where do I even start?
You have no glamour and nothing more to a name
Why do I wait all year for you then?
Is it in your beauty or the way the leaves fall
Or maybe it's the hope that life will grow
The way it's October, all over again....

Rush

Have you ever stood at a platform while a super fast train passed you by?
It doesn't end for a good 15 seconds
And those 15 seconds are enough to mess your hair up,
Gush breeze into your face.
And the speed infront of you sends your heart racing and your blood pumping.
And you find yourself being pulled along with it but you hold your ground,
Basking in the control you have over your feet.
Everyone steps aside, with their made up hair and flair dresses
Can't let the dust get in their eyes
The ground under your feet trembles and it almost feels unreal.
They watch you and think your crazy
But they don't feel the way you do
They don't know how to.
You close your eyes and you don't care
To be pulled or lifted in the air
You don't want control anymore.
The dust lifts, and the surroundings are unsettled...
And it's an adrenaline that you wish was within you
And just when you've made yourself comfortable
It's over.
The train has passed, the only sounds you hear are that of everything settling again
But you can't.
You can't settle like everything else.
Not when you've experienced that rush.
It was a rush within.
But now that it's gone, you feel empty.
It's too quiet.
And you look around and realise
Only you felt it. Only you lost it.
Only you would miss it.

Three nights

I'm okay, I'm alright
I just needed three nights
Quiet.
You have to understand
It's not easy communicating all day
Especially when there are so many voices
In your head, in your bed,
When there are more people inside you
Than beside you.
I just needed some time
To rewind, Unwind.
To leave behind,
To remind myself;
I'm okay I'm alright
I'm fine.
I just needed to feel.
Unreal.
It's not easy walking around
With two faces; One facing you,
One facing the ground.
We needed a break, both of us
In the same body, tired, restless
Careless.
We needed to settle our differences,
Accept our flaws, fix our walls,
Break our falls.
How can we be enemies in the same fort?
Holding each other captive to what seems to be eternal damnation.
We'll be fine, trust me, we'll be good.
Take care of me and I'll take good care of you.
There's nothing more I want than to fix you.
Quiet.
I'm okay I'm alright.
This is why I needed three nights.

Release

There isn't much you can do with grudges
There isn't much you can fix when it isn't in your hands anymore
There's no point worrying when all you could have done is done
Breathe
Release

Anger does nothing but unsettle you
Jealousy makes you more insecure than you already thought you were
And greed will never satisfy you.
Calm down
Release

Over thinking swallows you
Not thinking numbs you
Not feeling, intentionally, will hurt you the most
Feel
Release

Loss changes you, for better or for worse
Being found changes you to a greater extent
Stagnancy won't do you any good
Travel
Release

Sometimes you're surrounded by the world
Sometimes all you have is yourself
Often your alone in a crowd
Realize
Release

People do you wrong sometimes
You've disappointed yourself sometime
You wish some days could be erased and forgotten for good
Forgive
Release

Does it matter?

Does it matter to you that you don't see me anymore?
Does it matter to you that we don't speak?
Tell me, does it matter that we don't laugh?
Does it matter to you that I don't talk to anyone now?
Does it matter that I don't sleep?
Doesn't it bother you even one bit that I'm not dreaming of you anymore
Or maybe thinking of you, does it?
Do you think about me when your mind is at ease?
Or am I a thought that causes you unease?
What have I become now inside your heart?
Does it matter that mine is a cold an empty part?
How do you sleep knowing my pain?
Or do you not know? Then all is in vain.
Does it matter that my smile is different?
Or that my eyes don't look the way they used to when I did smile around you.
Do you care, though, that I'm traveling in my head
Sometimes when I'm lost in thought, while sleepless in bed?
Some nights the moon won't shine and those nights are easier.
Some days the sun comes out from behind
the clouds and I swear,
I miss the rain more than you.
Or maybe the other way around.
But that doesn't matter...at all to you.

Happy Endings

A fairy tale, that's what we never were
A happy ending, that's where we never reached
A prince charming, still searching for his damsel in distress
His damsel, losing hope day by day
Fairy tales are rare, sometimes they just don't get there
Glass slippers, ballrooms, knights in shining armor
How different are they
from sneakers, karaoke nights and pajamas?
My fairy tale was nothing short of a lie.
For everything I hoped it to be
Came crashing down in front of me
And I think about the tales my mama spoke off
I always wanted the happy ending.
But she quietened me, "wait for it, it's inevitable"
Wait for it then!

Before every happy ending is a battle
They fought for the happy ending;
The story didn't end until there was a happy ending
Maybe this story isn't over then.
It's time to slay the dragons and kill the beasts,
Dodge the wolves and make it to the feast.
Happy Ending, I'm waiting for you;
Happy Ending, wait for me.

Déjà vu

I was too careful
To open my heart out to anyone
Once bitten, always scarred.
But then I met you and not only did you ask about the wounds
You bandaged them too and you kissed them and said they'd be better now.
And I could see it happening all over again, me falling
Falling into something
Someplace that I've been before
In love.
And how scared I was
The deeper I feel, the more I knew this could hurt just like the last time
And I questioned it again and again and again.
And they all warned me, they even tried to stop me.
But by now, I was unstoppable.
I was in love.
And your hand was in mine
We were falling together.
Or I was pulling you along with me.
We broke walls, we crossed boundaries
We sailed oceans and we dove into seas
Oh boy how we travelled.
We had our moments of love;
where time stood still;
Or moved too fast.
Oh I wish time could wait for us!
Then I wouldn't be here talking about a past.
I wish you were here
In my present, marking my future;
I wish you remained a part of me
I wish you stayed
I thought you would
But yet again, I find myself begging for love;

Begging for you.

Rhythm

There's a rhythm we all live by
Each of us have our own unique one
They differ in time and pace
But they come through in everything we do
The way we walk, talk, breathe, dance, sing, eat, even sleep
There's a rhythm that we unknowingly keep.
And throughout our lives we are looking for another person 

whose rhythm suits us
Whose time and rhyme fits well with our own
Whose rhythm makes you groove
And maybe move
To something only you can hear. 

You're always in search of this rhythm

The one that's just perfect for you
And until you find it, everyone else will just be a little off beat

Everyone else will just be a little out of time

Maybe a little out of line

And you will try to change your rhyme

to suit someone else's when you think you're out of time

But darling, don't! 

Be patient, wait

Your rhythm is great,
Don't settle for a time that doesn't suit your rhyme

24th floor

"It's supposed to feel on top of the world", they said
Being loved; loving.
"You gotta feel so high that it grounds you."
"Like Mount Everest;"
Whatever that feels like.
But it feels like the 24th floor.

Damn it, it feels like the 24th floor!

It's supposed to take your breath away,
The view is supposed to be heavenly.
The journey tough and the climb tedious

The destination brilliant and worth it; completely.

"It supposed to feel like Mount Everest", they said

They've probably been there...

The view is beautiful from the 24th floor,

And I must be mad to ask for more.

But they speak of Everest and my heart wants to go!

Forgive me, 24th floor.

I see you, brave heart

I see you, brave heart, I watch you make your way,
Everyday, with a heaviness about you,
With the weight of tears not shed;
And a heavy head, from the sleepless nights;
because of a fight, that went on for days
and in many ways, it consumed you,
I see you, brave heart, I'm walking right beside you
So if you may fall, I'll be here to catch you,
Like the one who should have been here all along.
But no, you're strong. Enough with the waiting;
What about all the hating that goes on within your soul.
After all the loving, dear heart, you've turned cold.
I see you brave heart, I hear your loud cries
But under these cloudy skies, who dares to look
Into foggy eyes, and ask if they might
about a fright or a fear, they all turn a deaf ear.
a blind eye, a helpless hand,
But I see you, brave heart,
and you're struggling to stand.
Take my hand, trust me,
For I am not your enemy.
The whole world will fool you
And Darling they will confuse you,
They will spin you around, throw you to the ground,
Brave heart, they will tear you apart.
But I see you, picking yourself up
Off the ground, dusting it all off, slowly
Surely, moving on, moving ahead
Brave heart, though you'd want to stay instead
You took the bigger step.
And brave heart,
I saw you.

A story I cannot tell

There is a story,
That of love.
But it is one
I cannot speak of.
It is a story where words fall short
It is one in which love is and is lost.
Although I cannot and will not tell,
It stays with me, forever, oh well!
It's a story that I will repeat again and again
To myself when I'm alone in need of a friend.
It's a story that will make me smile inside
For outside they won't listen,
No one will dare.
They won't listen, no one will care.
For love turns us into fools.
And fools don't listen,
Not even to stories of love.
Fools don't listen, especially when they are in love.
So I'll keep this story, close to my heart.
A fool for you, right from the start.
And I hope I can pen it down some day, 

in a year or two, or maybe thirty two.
Until then, let's just let it stay.
Sealed, never to leave,
My tongue won't give it away.

Find what makes you happy

Find what makes you happy
Hold on to it
Tight
And never let go
Hold on to it with all that you have
With every part of you
With your last ounce of strength
Hold on to it like your life depends on it
Because trust me, it does.
There's nothing more important than your own happiness in this world
Give everything up to find it
Give everything up to keep it
There is much in this world to try and test you
There are many to pull you down
But for as long as your holding on to what makes you happy
Nothing can break you
Find your happiness
Keep it
Never. let. go. 

She's never going home

She's never going home,
Home is too comfortable for her liking.
Home means settling and that's not for her.
She's never going home.
Because home means the journey is over!
Home means warmth and belonging;
And she's not up for that.

She's a wanderer, a seeker,
She's hungry for newness,
She's unstoppable, she cannot be tied down.
Yet home longs to see her,
Home longs to keep her;
Home misses her presence.
She misses home... sometimes...

But going home would make her want to stay
And she's afraid of staying too long,
She's afraid staying would mean loving home as much as home loves her.
And she's afraid to love, so she's not going home.
She's never going home.

And Home will never have her.

Hope

I hope you never give up on yourself,
I hope you always find a way.
I hope you love yourself more than anyone, someday.
I hope you find your purpose,
I hope you never feel like you're not good enough,
And I hope you never feel like you're not worth it.
I hope that light always stays with you
And that darkness doesn't scare you.
I hope that you have a hand to hold
Especially when you feel lonely,
I hope you find warmth in the midst of cold.
And I hope you make one special friend
Who will be there when you need someone the most.
I hope you gaze at the stars every once in a while,
And I hope they make you smile.
I hope life never gets in the way of living,
And that you never stop giving
All that you have,
I hope it is enough.
I hope you find happiness, more than you think you deserve.
I hope, but mostly I pray, that you find yourself,
And that you keep yourself for as long as you can.
And that you keep yourself safe.
I really hope you keep yourself sound.

Birds were not made for cages

They say birds were never made for cages
No one was made for prisons
But we imprisons ourselves nonetheless
However there are exceptions
They're known as free spirits
They cannot. And I i repeat. Cannot be tied down.
They belong to the sky because the sky is limitless
And so are they
The belong to no one even if you wish to have them
They will be yours till they are called to greater things
And there's no holding them back after that
They're gone long before you can try to keep them
They were never yours to keep
They were yours just to hold temporarily
Oh but how beautiful it is to watch them fly
These free spirits, they know their way around
They find it
Like birds looking for home
They can find it wherever they go
Maybe they carry home with them
Maybe home is where they are, whenever they are.
That's probably why they are freer than the rest of us.
That's probably why we're grounded and they fly high.
That's probably why we cry when they say goodbye.
That's probably why I love her so much.
Cause I'll never know anyone more beautiful than her.
This free spirit, the one in whom I found home.

In another life

In another life
You and I will make it
We'll make it through every up and down that comes our way
In another life we won't care for the rest of the world like we do now
Nothing will matter in another life
There will be nothing in the way of us
Just you and me, hand in hand
Taking the world on like we were made of indestructible matter
Unlike now, where destruction is inevitable.
We have destructed.
But in another life, we'll be unshakable,
Unbreakable.
In another life, we will be free
To love.
And love will be free to us.

You should go and love yourself

There was once a time when I couldn't love myself. I couldn't stand myself. I couldn't live with myself. And you'd wonder what went wrong. How does one go from being so appreciative about life and all that's in it to wanting to run away from herself. I wondered too.

They say that you should love yourself first before anyone else. This is your life pack. Your lifebuoy to keep you afloat when you otherwise fall off your boat. This is your buffer of love, used especially when the love you usually receive feels insufficient or probably non existent anymore. This store of love is meant to build you up and help you redeem yourself when all else fails. But what happens if you don't have this store of love ready? What happens if you didn't anticipate losing the love you usually receive from loved ones. What happens if you took love for granted and now suddenly you can't find it anymore?

You find yourself in a big black hole, where nothing matters, everythings cold, including your heart and this void let's you feel just one thing, numb.

And numb is not a feeling anyone should go through.

Love yourself. Love yourself so much that another person's love for you or lack of it cannot bring you down. Know that you deserve to be loved, because you are beautiful inside and out, you deserve great hair days and warmth in winters, you deserve long drives and holidays, you deserve extra sprinkles and shots on the house! You deserve all this because you are worth every star in the sky. And if someone tells you that you aren't or makes you feel otherwise, you tell them to f**k off! You go right ahead and tell them all that you know you are worth.

You are worth so much more than they make you feel. Love yourself more than anyone can love you, for people leave, and I've learned that the hard way, and when they leave, they take their love with them sometimes and leave you behind.

Do not, I repeat, do not think for once that you can never find love again or that you cannot be loved. You are loved, immensely already, by the millions of particles that make you you.

Love yourself before looking for love elsewhere. Love yourself no matter what! You owe it to yourself.

At every sight...

The way he looked at me was different
No one has and no one will look at me the same
The way he looked at me never made me uncomfortable
I felt safe in his sight, in his mind.
The way he looked at me, like I was magic
He made me feel like magic.
He looked at me everyday like he saw me for the 1st time
and everyday he saw something new,
He looked at me and I saw him falling in love
And i wonder if he saw me falling in love too.
The way he looked at me, I knew for sure,
He wanted no other to look at me the same way,
I wonder if he knows, no others have.
No eyes have made me feel the same.
No hands have made me melt the same.
No kiss has made me weaken the same.
I wonder if he knows, that I've never seen eyes like his
Or maybe that I've never seen love in anyone's eyes
the way I saw it in his.
Love for me, love for what made me me, love for us.
I miss him, I miss his eyes more.
I miss how I felt when he was around.
Worshiped. Secure. Adored.
Loved at every sight.

Let me love you

Let me love you the way I want to,
Let me love you the way I care.
Stop telling me that I shouldn't!
Stop telling me that you won't be there,
That the future will hurt more
If I don't leave you now.
But babe we could die tomorrow and I don't want it any different, anyhow!
Can we let the future be itself?
Can you let me be me?
I love you for all you are to me.
And I don't care much for what you can be and what you will be
To me. You will always be
Mine.

You can't hurt me, you just can't.
Understand that and let me love you willingly.
Don't be so afraid, love, we don't hold the future in our hands.
We never will and you must understand,
If someday we can't be one
I will still hold your heart
For in truth we can never be completely done.
In truth, nothing can take from me what I have won;
Your heart, your soul, your smile.
And even many a mile can only try
To distance me from you.

But you must let me love you now
And not worry about tomorrow, 

tomorrow,
We must awake and allow fate
To do what she must because she will.
Against my will;
Against you.
And she will see us through.
But for now, babe, let me love you.

Fold

She's traveling everyday
A little deeper into herself.
She warned them ages ago
That his would mean the beginning of the end.
When a free soul begins to delve
Into dark waters and strange tides.
She warned them that it would happen when no ones watching,
Under the gaze of only her eyes,
That they will reflect depth
And shall hide from all who think they know.
She will fold, bit by bit,
And under every flap she will find solace,
Like never found in anyone's company.
She will implode several times,
And fell pain like shocks of lightning striking her heart.
And every time the pain subsides, she dies alil more inside.
Until she's so feeble,
she will remain
Until she's shown what she's worth,
she will refrain
From being more than what she really is;
A drop in the ocean, a lost soul in the abyss.
And deeper she will go, quieter she will grow.
Until nothing can do her any more harm
And that's when she will feel safe
Under ever fold she will find her resting place.

The Universe v/s Her (Part 2)

But learning doesn't mean accepting.

She can be stubborn when it comes to the people she holds dear to her heart. She doesn't care much for everything and everyone in the past. Right now, you're in her life. And she can't bear the thought of you being any less to her in the future than you are right now. She can't have you not matter to her in the future like the others, you must matter just as much as you do now. And day in and day out, she knows she's trying to fight the universe that's trying to make the inevitable happen. She's fighting it because she needs to prove to herself, to you, to the people gone by that she can decide who stays and that she can keep them.

And she may have failed in the past, but not this time. This battle is between her and the universe, to keep you. And she let it have its way for 20 years but not this time. This time she's taking a stand.

You're too precious, you're too important to her and the universe can try as much as it can but it cannot be greater than her choice of weaponry;
Love

Love triumphs over it all, over time, distance, fear, knowledge, space, oblivion. Love cannot be defeated. At least not with how strongly she feels for you. She can fight the world's deadliest offence and she will keep you with her.

Love may have failed her before, but not this time, this time, it's more powerful than you think. This time it is backed by desire and need, and want more than anything.

You won't be taken away from her the way the others were. You will be her constant and she will love you that way, constantly. 

She has never wanted anyone to stay this much, She has never wanted anyone to be a part of her life this much, but suddenly she does and the universe may question it, you may question it but she is so sure of it. 

And when she's this sure of anything she can do what it takes. She will love with all it takes to keep you!

The Universe v/s Her (Part 1)

She has learned, in the 20 years of her life, that people eventually leave. And by that term she doesn't really mean that they go away from her life but rather that they just don't mean as much as they once did.

If you're as old as her or maybe older you will know by now that the people you once spent hours talking to at a stretch can't hold a 2 minute conversation with you anymore. People you longed to see everyday are a distant memory. People you cried with and laughed with are not the same people anymore or maybe they are but not as much.

She has learned that life goes on and that there are only lessons and memories you can take forward, that people get left behind someway or the other and that you gotta learn to live with that.

She has learned that it hurts and that it won't matter to both of you in the same measure as it does to one. That distance can be a bitch and so can time. That she will meet new people and she will hope she never has to say goodbye but then she will anyway, and she will meet new people who have so much more to give her in this life.

She has learned that she cannot stop people from leaving. She can try all she wants and she can fool herself into believing that she can make them stay. But really, they left long before she realized it. The people who have to leave, will, eventually.

She has learned all these things....

More and more and more

I wish I could tell you
With all my heart
In more than words
How much I love you
If only you saw everything
I wrote between the lines
If only you heard
what I had to say
Between the silence
If only 'I love You'
Was made up of more words.
I wish there was a way
To show you
How you brighten up.
My everyday
You are.
You are more
Than you think.
You are
More.
Than ever before,
I love you
more.
But you don't
know,
Do you?
No.
And you won't
show me
How much you love me
Cause baby, maybe,
I don't deserve you
and I may not be enough
To love
You.
The way I do,
more and
more and
more.
I love you.

Confined

Some days, you wake up and you really wonder what you're here for.
Sometimes, you wanna know where you're headed and why the path doesn't seem so clear,
You wanna know what you're made of;
Stone and cement or ribbons and flowers.
You wanna know what makes you who you are and what brought you to this place.
Sometimes, you want to be greater.
Sometimes, you wish you were less.
Sometimes you just wana go to sleep.
But then again there's so much you wanna achieve.
Some days you'd rather not speak and you wish you could be invisible.
Some days you want to be the center of attention and you want to be loved.
Some days you just don't wanna be the person you were yesterday.
You wonder what's its like to be in a different skin and you take your time to get comfortable in your own.
Sometimes you wish you could escape the universe and sometimes you wish it just rushed into you.
Some days you wish wishes came true,
And that shooting stars would land.
For you've wished upon too many.
And then after these moments of thoughts,
You get off your bed and sit there in silence.
And you wonder if these walls will ever answer you.
The walls you built, yourself.

Chasing sunsets

I'm constantly chasing sunsets
Hoping ever to catch up
To move with the time of day
But I'm always four steps away

I'm constantly chasing sunsets
Rushing with the tide
But right before I reach
I find a secret place to hide

I'm constantly fearing sunsets
The end of every day
So much to do so much to be
I wish there was a way

To catch the sight of the sunset
With no remorse or regrets
But all of the day's lag
to lose and to forget.

Let me find you in the sunset
When the sky turns every shade
And as my day draws to a close
I can hold your hand unafraid

But I'm still chasing sunsets
And still hiding from the light
And darkness holds me
Come the lonely night.

I'll always be chasing sunsets
Until you come along
With you I know I'll make it
With you I can be strong.

I hope I reach the sunset
Then, when you finally reach me.
Until then I'll keep running
Hoping the sunset will find me.

Sleep soundly

Sleep soundly darling, sleep sound
I know what a struggle it can be
When many a times you get so lost
That you forget what is a real dream
The tiredness comes with the struggle
To overcome the force that holds you
That won't let you sleep.
But darling, keep fighting
The unrest will come and go
It will come and go again.
It will hold you and won't let you move
It will strangle you till you aren't sure you're gonna make it.
And then you just take it.
And quiety it leaves.
And you can feel again and mostly you can see again.
They don't know what it feels like to be awake and asleep at the same time.
To have the potential to be and yet not to.
To want to resist death's tease and yet have to bear it with only hope.
But fight it till you have fight in you no more
Don't let it take you over so easily.
This demon of a hold can only scare you
But to kill you it will never be that bold.
For you are stronger than what holds you even though you sometimes feel weak.
And for every time you escape death's illusionary sting,
You've won yourself another go at living.

Sleep soundly, darling, sleep sound.

Some nights

Some nights are a struggle,
Sleep calls but your body won't listen,
Some nights you grow restless,
And peace can be found but you don't want to search.
Some nights, you need that unrest,
Those sleepless moments
They let you feel what you otherwise sleep off.
And there's pain rushing through your soul
Because it is awake at the hour of truth,
When mind body and soul sync in time
And when each must confess to one another.
Where masks are taken off and walls are brought down,
And three become one.
And yet you feel like you've been shattered into a million pieces.
The night grows colder and the one thing that can keep you warm seems too far away;
Almost kept away,
Just so that you have this moment of settlement,
This intervention,
this state of feeling everything that you tried your best not to.
Some nights are not like every other night.
Some nights just break you.
So that the dawn can re-make you.

Settle

Take that moment,
Quieten up.
Now lose yourself
In that chaos.

Safe

Safe, is what you kept us when you were around
Safe is what you always wanted us to be
And you did everything you could to ensure we were.
But we didn't think for once that you weren't
Safe.
That an unchecked heart could take you away from us.
And I think about it,
Maybe not everyday,
But some days in very special ways.
And I wonder if we're safe.
I try so hard, to do what you did,
To be who you were,
To the people you loved,
To the people you kept close.
But you've left behind big shoes to fill.
And I can only pray to be half as much
As you were.
I wish they knew you, they; the people I love today.
I wish they saw the great man who did all he could to keep me
Safe. Sound.
I wish I saw you for the rest of my life.
I wish you were alive today. To see me.
But we weren't careful. We took you for granted.
We didn't exchange our "I love you's" in time.
And now I wonder if you can read this from wherever are.
I thought we were all safe and that we could say these things in our own time and space.
But now there's an empty space, an empty chair, a missing piece of me.
And I'm doing my best to keep safe;
Your family, your home, your name, your dreams.
And I hope I'm half as good. Half as enough.
But I've come to realise
That maybe I wouldn't be where I am today
I'd be counting on you too much.
And here you are, counting on me.
And I don't wana let you down.
Wherever you are. I hope you know.
I'm safe. I'm keeping them safe.
I hope you're proud.

Half way home

You're almost there,
You're half way home,
You're tired, weary and a little afraid
And scared to admit it.
Will home be as welcoming as it used to be?
Is home even where it used to be?
You're hesitant, wondering if home even wants you back.
Do you want to go back?
You set out on this journey because being away so long has left you feeling incomplete.
But suddenly you wonder what if home was complete without you?
What if home doesn't need you?
And you grow more tiresome with all these thoughts.
Your bags are weighing you down,
So you stop and take a moment
To gain stock of everything.
You sit by the road and you're half way there.
And you wonder if you should take a step further or run away yet again.
And right there, you split up just like your thoughts.
Your heart races back home but your fears tug onto the rope that you've tied around yourself and attached to your hide out.
What should you do? Why must it be so difficult?
If only you never left home in the 1st place!
You'd never have been sitting here.
If only it were that easy!
The thought of home scares you and yet you know how fulfilling it can be.
It would mean accepting everything you've rejected,
Returning to what you left behind,
Acknowledging everything you wanted to ignore.
But mostly belonging somewhere.
The thought of never returning home is tempting.
It was the past that drove you away.
Only, there's a reason you set out on this journey, right now, right here.
There's a reason you're on this path today.
We move constantly from where we don't like to be.
Maybe returning home is scary but you've taken fifty steps, what are fifty more?
You look at the path you've walked so far
And you know what going back would mean.
Slowly, solemnly, you pick up your bags and walk.
Smile, you're more than half way home.

Slip

I slip sometimes
Maybe I let myself slip.
I bring my walls down, get out of my comfort zone,
often with my heart on the line and I get hurt.
And what is it about this pain that keeps me coming back for more?
Why do I return to it again and again, knowing all the damage it does to me
What is this nameless thrill?
My principles, my theories, my beliefs in love life and light,
They slip once in a while, maybe I let them.
And for this while, I'm open to your beliefs, your love, your principles,
And I accept them like a blank book waiting to be filled.

And then you go ahead and tear these pages.
And I'm back to square one, back to my nameless state of being.

One last time, I let myself slip, knowing that i was taking a risk.
But with hope that this time you could be the one to change my whole world of Love
That you could bring these walls down and keep them that way
This time I gave it all, got rid of these walls and you even swept the dust with me.
You took my hand and you took my heart and God damn it, you took all my love!
You spun my world around and you gave me reason to believe that I was wrong all this while.

That my theories could be proven wrong and there could be something as pure as what you showed me.
That there could exist something as bright as the way you shone and that darkness was so damn temporary.

And then you did what I feared the most.
You left.

Now I just don't know anymore.

Change Fearing

I never feared change the way I fear it now
I never feared change until I met you
For I know you now and I wouldn't have you any other way
And God Forbid, you change, I fear change like never before.
Did you think for once that you could bring me to fear something
When all I ever was, was God-fearing.
But here I am, fearing you, fearing what you can be
To me, 

here and now, is all I want to see.
But you're hinting at a future
That I'm not sure I'm a part of.
Would you blame me then for fearing change?
I don't want to lose you.
But I'm sure you've heard this from more than just me
But how much does it mean to you?
Does it mean as much to you as it does to me?
Will change matter to you?
Calm my fears, assure me if you can;
That you're more faithful than my fears,
That you will always be near 

If not right here.

What matters

I wanna write about you
I wana talk about you
But my words fall short
And here I am writing anyway just cause I need to...
Praying that I can put you down in words
But I can't and yet I can't stop writing
Because I'm trying so hard to tell them
To tell them what we are and what you are;
To me.

But the words don't come and I wish they did
You won't say it and I wish you did.
I can't explain it and I wish I did.
What are they even reading this for, do they care?
Do you care?
I wana tell the world what you mean to me!
But how can I when I haven't told you?
I want them to know what this feels like
But what's the use, what can they do;
To us.

How does it matter to them? Does it matter to you?
That I'm here so in love with you.
That I need to write you down
For people to look you up.
For them to know, how wonderful you are!
For them to see how beautiful you are!
And if they saw your heart how they would fall in love with you!
And how I'd stand in the way!
For they will hurt you, of that I'm sure.
But you will want them more and more.
And if only you knew how safe you'd be
Within my arms, or just by me.

I'd fight them all, though you'd rather do it yourself.
And they will fall, tumble, crawl, lay lifelessly.
For you mean the world to me.
And they still don't understand what they're reading right here.
But you don't either.
Would it matter? If you did or you didn't?
Would we matter if we are or if we aren't?
For they don't know you, they don't know me,
They don't know us and why I make this fuss
But to you, me; and to me, you;
We matter.
And it's okay if they don't see,
It's okay if they can't comprehend.
But you must know, you mean much to me.
But then again can we ever be,
More than these written words?
Can we be more than just what they see?

Midnight madness

Come midnight and I'm missing you
Wishing you were here with me
And all I want is to be by your side and you by me
Maybe we can stay quiet, maybe I can hold you
Maybe I might kiss you, just maybe.
But baby,
Don't be away too long
Come back to me, come back to bed
Let me share the place you rest your head
The sheets lie empty, the covers lay still
Still, I long for your hand in mine.
Intertwined
Both of us, being us and not one apart
Lay by me, give me your heart.
And when my lips touch yours, hold me close,
For I may shiver at the thought.
For it overwhelms me that you find me worthy
To kiss your hands, your eyes, your lips
And maybe your soul.
But baby, just maybe, you will come home to me
And let me be yours, while you be mine
While I hold your hand and under the sheets we intertwine.

Almost

Almost, the saddest word I've known
It's not there yet and but it has begun its journey
And there's so much hope and yet no surety.

There's so much of eagerness and yet no motivation

There's almost a chance that you will....

Almost

You're almost complete
You're almost there
You almost did it
You almost said it
You almost achieved it
But the saddest of them all;
You almost said 'I love you'

But you didn't, you almost did;

and that makes me sad.

I can only imagine how miserable you must feel...

Almost

The wind in my hair

You're like the wind in my hair
I long for you and let my hair down
And you sweep on by
First so shy,
And then like a storm
And I close my eyes as you caress my face
And you pass by and travel beyond.

I'm left alone again
Waiting for your return
And what have you left behind for me?
A hand full of knots and bare trees
And just when I'm tired of breaking through these tangles
I tire and tie my hair back up
Promising myself to take care
But there you come again this time faster, and with so much of life.

And my eyes close once again 

And without my doing my hands stretch out 

And you could blow me away if you wanted to 

But right now you make me feel like flying
And I can hear you whisper in the wind, "let go"
And I'm fighting the urge to
Because I keep letting go and all you do is leave me 

with more knots to entangle.
"Let go" you whisper, again
"Why should I", I'm tearing up now
"Because I love you and I won't ever let you go"
Feeble and hungry. 

For love and certainty, I let myself go, 

now lifted by the wind, a part of this force.

I'm unstoppable, I'm fearful, I'm above the dread of the earth
And out of nowhere I can feel it creep through
After ages, this one's for you, I smile.
But I know this will only last a while.
And my distrust in you brings me down
And now I'm back to the ground.
Now as you go on your way,
I'm left again tangled and astray
And yet I turn around to see, wondering when you will come back to me
Cause no matter the mess you make of me
'The wind in my hair' you will always be.

One more night

One more night
I wait
And the moon shines on just like it did yesterday.
But not like it did some days ago.
One more night, I wait
Hopefully, quietly
For you
Don't care much for me.
But one more night won't even be relevant.
Especially if I've waited a lifetime.
But for one more night and counting
There's fear and there are thoughts taunting
And it's haunting
To think what one more night can do
Not just to me and you
But to equation of love around the world
One more night and one more love
Received, given or not accounted for at all.
One more night
And I don't care
Much for the pain.
But this I can't let go in vain.
In one night alot can leave, but one more night and I'm not sure if I will breathe
Life into love or love into life.
What's got me enduring this strife!
You must have done something right
And we can't just give up because of one
Fight
Please, just give it
One more night.

Surfacing Demons

You bring out a part of me I never knew existed.
You bring out the demons and
damn! I feel like I missed it!
This angel has been good too long...
And the good in me is extinguishing fast.
The reason to be good is now long gone,
And I'm hoping the bad in me surfaces fast.

Demons, I wish you knew,
How long I've been waiting for you.
This good girls out the door
To be seen no more.
Find her wherever you may!
But I hope she doesn't see the light of day.
For now rules a woman scorned, she's captured this body.
And possesses this soul!

And how you wish you knew her before!
How you wish you knew the good in her.
For if this is her bad
Just imagine, just imagine how passionate her good was!
Just imagine what you've missed
Just imagine what she could have made you feel with just one kiss...

That killing thing

I give you the rifle, packed with bullets
And I stand across from you as a target
Oh the thrill of knowing you'd never shoot.
I give you a knife and I hold you tight
The joy I find in knowing you'd never stab.
I've given you a dose of poison
And I pass you my drink
What serenity to sip out of it and quench more than my thirst
I'm quenching my ego, I'm feeding my pride
I give you the weapons, I give you the power
And you're making a decision every hour.
There's only one person who will be hurt by the end of this.
And no amount of morphine will numb it.
I'm crazy, I'm losing it, I'm giving it up
All to you, do what you have to.

Lukewarm

I can only take so much of something lukewarm.
There's hot and there's cold and I can take both of them in my stride,
But one at a time.
But lukewarm is weak.
You're too afraid of getting burned,
You're to afraid to freeze,
Lukewarm cannot be me...
I can't stand in the center when I know which side I wanna be on.
And when I don't, I'll choose one anyway,
I'll risk it, for me.
But now you're hot and you're cold and you've pushed me into lukewarm territories.
And I wish I knew where to go.
I could probably walk out the door.
But more than I already am, it will throw me deeper into the floor.
I've done this before.
"Never again" did I say.
But life never listens. He's put me in the same spot.
Wishing my insecurities were never caught.
Wishing my hands never touched cold or hot
For now one hand's frozen and the other not.
One hand's burnt and I wish I had fought.
And in the middle of my heart, I'm lukewarm.
And I need one side to pull me over.
Because lukewarm makes me weak.
And hot or cold, there's only you I really seek.
So pull me a side and stay with me there
Because that's all I dream of, but this is a nightmare.
Babe, I'm almost gone, if you don't take my hand.
I'll lose you and I'll lose me and the world will never understand.

Home

She said she couldn't find it, this place called home.
She never felt it, she never lived in it.
She searched near and far, she tried,
She cried.
Home was always too far away no matter how much she walked.
Home was as good as nowhere now.
Her search ceased when at last she grew tired.
And as she sat herself down on a bed that never gave warmth.
Tears rolled down her cheek.
Would she ever find home?
But there under the covers of her bed,
She allowed her mind to travel,
To go places she otherwise couldn't reach.
Under the sheets, she closed her eyes and dreamed.
Of a man that would one day hold her,
Of a man who would love her,
Who would take her home every night.
Who would hold her till the morning light.
Home would always be right
there.
Keeping her safe, keeping her warm.
Within her he would calm the storm.
And that was home, she knew for sure.
But where was he?
Her search still endures.

Coming Clean

I'm laying it down, I'm coming clean,
I'm giving you my all, my everything I mean.
These walls I'm breaking, no more faking
These secrets are no more, I'm laying them on the floor.
Take me, take my words, take my heart,
Take me and break me apart.
Find my joys and find my sorrows,
And embrace them like there's no tomorrow.
I'm yours for all you want of me,
I'm yours for all you see of me
and more.
Babe, don't turn around and walk out the door.
It took me too long to see you there,
Waiting for me, your love to share.
It took me too long to know that I
Was empty and cold and I couldn't try
To leave my state of despair,
Didn't think for once that I was capable of repair,
That you could come along and make me strong.
That you could break me and take all my right from wrong.
That you would care, I didn't have a clue
But babe, how I love you!
How I want you to love me too,
I'm willing, I'm ready,
Now that your here, don't ever leave.

The Story teller

She tells stories like they're a trick of her tongue.
She captures hearts with her voice,
And souls in between her words.
She gathers them all, like stars in a galaxy
and every story adds a spark in her eyes
That she carries on to the curious hearts she encounters.
There's something in the way she speaks
that moves you, that reaches deep within you.
There's something in the stories she tells
Of love and life and joy and sorrow.
There's something about the way her eyes speak,
They tell more stories in a minute than she could in a lifetime,
And yet they all flock to hear her,
to travel, motionless!

The  story teller, learns as she goes
and she teaches what she knows.
She hides behind a million lives, of lessons and loss,
Of pain, grief, and mistakes that cost.
Shes hiding her story for she cannot tell,
Just how broken she is under that hard shell.
And how about that dam spell?!?
To empathize and sympathize no matter what
to know before the end of the plot!
For often she listens with an understanding heart
To the stories that brought two together or tore them apart.
To stories of adventure and mistakes and redemption
To stories of victory, shame and often repression.
And she carries these around with her wherever she goes
This story teller, the keeper of tales, the one who just knows.

She's part of these stories now as she takes them on,
She's one among the characters, one among them all.
She insists we all are but stories on this earth.
Chapter after chapter, unfolding since birth.
And she too is just a story, one that may be forgotten
along with the stories that never made their way.
I tell you of her , this story teller,
In hope that you will meet her some day.

Stay Awake

Stay awake with me
Stay awake and be with me
Let this be our time to be.
To understand without speaking
To know without telling
To answer without asking
Stay awake with me and let me hold your hand
Stay awake there's so little time we have
Our lives are short and I need you now
Close your eyes but stay awake
Dwell in the darkness
Bask in the silence
The night knows more than we ever shall
Stay awake for me.
Will you?
Stay awake for I love you and I can't without you.

Easy

They don't believe the things she says,
They say it's over done and over heard.
They don't see her path of thought,
They can't fathom her perspective at all.

And she's leaning towards not believing in herself.
She's questioning the principles that brought her here.
For suddenly she feels so lost,
Like the world can be hers, but at what cost?

That her way of life is not understandable,
That's it's so beyond ones grasp
that they give up before trying to see her through.
And she wonders ,really, what wrong has done.
And she wonders, really, what right can she do?

For all her life she's believed in just herself
But all of a sudden she can't find herself anymore.
Lost among what they all want her to be
And found among what she's lost in her life.

She needs a moment to stop and look back.
And account for all her actions.
Give her the time to go back and listen to the words she's spoken.
And what about the hearts she's broken?

And then again, the ones she's mended.
She's thinking about the relationships she's started and even the ones she's ended.

And she's breaking inside to leave something behind ,
She's breaking inside to break herself apart.
Why, she wonders, why can't she be easy?
Easy going, easy to understand, easy to have, easy to hold, easy to unfold...

I'm Losing You

I'm losing you,
I'm losing you to something stupid.
You're going away and I can blame me.
But I don't want to, it doesn't have to be.
You're in my head and you're in my heart,
And I didn't know you right from the start.
But we made our way and we made it through,
I can't bare the thought of losing you.
But I screwed it up, I held too long,
I grew weak and forgot what is strong.
With bare hands I held on too tight,
Comforting not just you but my nameless, unheard of fright.
But in the middle of the night
I got lost.
And so did you but at what cost?
Dawn gave us a new fear,
And what was last year, can never be again.
We can't be now what we were back then.
And I shudder to think that everything, someday, must come to an end.